a little reflection

Kobe the wonder dog.

I've been in deep reflection all day today...and really every day for the last few weeks. 2011 has been an amazing year...ranging from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. I wouldn't take any of it back, not one bit. My word(s) for last year (...I couldn't choose between two) were fearLESS and flourish. Looking back over the year I'd say that fearLESSness was a predominate player for sure, and flourish also played it's part. I went to a fabulous retreat in March, where I met some friends in person for the first time, and made some new friends. Mid year I began a year long program so exciting and crazy that I couldn't have conceived of it at the beginning of last year - I'm now closer to actually owning the fact that I am clairvoyant. Every night before I go to sleep I reflect on what I am grateful for (gratitude journaling is something I've done over the years, this is my current take on it). We said goodbye on December 12th to our beloved and first furbaby Kobe, in such a flash that I still cannot quite wrap my mind around it. My husband lost his job. I became a Reiki I practioner.We are packing up the safety of what we have called home for the last 7 years, and will be moving to a new home. I have a regular meditation practice, and I'm more spiritual now than I have ever been. I've developed and deepened friendships that have absolutely changed my world. I became a part of a nurture huddle with an amazing group of women that I feel lucky beyond measure to know. I discovered the power of working with Angels. My Grandma had a stroke several months ago (she's doing well and working on recovery), and my Grandfather passed away the day before my birthday. I participated in SouLodge online. I am more comfortable in my skin than ever, and have a new found trust in myself that still takes me by surprise at times. This is just a small taste of what my year has held. I've absolutely changed on a cellular level this year...and it couldn't have happened if I wouldn't have chosen my word....or if it hadn't chosen me.

I was feeling like I wasn't sure what my word was going to be for 2012, and during a conversation with a dear friend, I realized that my word had already found me. It's been presenting itself to me on a regular basis for a few months now....in meditation, in life, everywhere I look. In 2012 I am welcoming in MAGIC to help guide me. I am completely opening to possibility, and this is one of the things that magic represents to me. It makes me think of being unlimited, powerful, free, hopeful, open. And these are some of the things I hope for myself this upcoming year.

There is so much more to say about the depths of where I've been this year...I know I have lots of writing material! This has been a quiet online writing year for me, partly because of all of the rapid change going on in my world and there's been so much living in my everyday life. I haven't exactly known what I wanted to write, or how to write about it. I've been thinking about whether I want another space for this new phase, or not...One thing I know for sure, is that I cannot wait to see what MAGIC is to come in the next twelve months!! My wish is that a little of that will spill out into the world of anyone who knows me, or reads what I share through writing.

May 2012 be a magical, love filled year for all!!

I'm not in a position to write a full post at the moment...(read - I'm on a borrowed laptop in a design studio that isn't mine), but I want to share this powerful and amazing ceremony that Pixie Campbell has shared with those of us in the SouLodge. She wants to go public with it! The mother of all releasing ceremonies - to celebrate the Winter Solstice. Follow this to her blog where she shares all of the details, and how to's...

If you are in Southern California and want to gather to release...let me know! xox

L O V E.

Sitting here and contemplating how much love there is in this world...if you just choose to see it.

I'm the Captain of this ship.

I'm silencing the crickets. Yes, you read that right...the crickets. There have been a whole lot of them here since Summer. Chirp chirping away...holding space for me. I've been writing in long hand in journals..but I've missed this. The connection that happens here, and out there in the interwebs. I've come to the page several times, sat, began to write, questioned what to write, how much to write. I've thought about whether this is the right place, or if I need another blog...where I am now is not where I was when I began this blog. I suppose a lot of us go through this at one point or another...So much has changed, happened, shifted...and I was feeling like I wanted to catch you up. That felt overwhelming....so I walked away. Too much to say for one post. It can't be done. The other day I got the message. Start where you are. You don't need to run through it all at once, or maybe ever. Just start where you are.

So here I am. Starting in this moment. I'm enrolled in Pixie Campbell's SouLodge, and it's so good. I had heard from a few of my dear friends that the first lodge was amazing, and knew I had to sign up. I am on fire with learning right now. I can't seem to get enough knowledge; I suppose it's because I've found what thrills me, what lights my internal fire. You see, I've connected with a part of me that I didn't know exists (or I did, but it was buried d e e p). I am an inuitive. Yep, I said it. Things have been brewing here since May....actually long before, but I didn't trust it back then. Or even acknowledge it really. In a span of about 48 hours I was led straight into a class that held answers, and a whole helluvah lot of healing. That's what I showed up for, the healing...it's what I wanted most. I found myself thinking that the intuitive part of the class may or may not be my thing. I took a huge leap. A big old Fool's leap, and enrolled. Not much time to think about it. Or get too scared. I can't say I've done anything this brave on such short notice, ever. It was such a big commitment. Once a week for 13 months, and a daily practice in between. Here I am half way through, and loving every second of it.

 The biggest surprise is that I can tap into this part of me. I do readings on a regular basis. I can see how it links to everything I want to do in my life, and who I am. I'm still finding my way, but the path is being illuminated. I have this newfound trust in myself, like I've never known. It's been transformative on so many levels, and continues to be...

This last week or so, I found myself fighting with fear. I haven't been in that place for a while, and I was really trying to fight it. Picture slaying dragons here. And then through some beautiful messages from my higher self, and conversations with wise women, I remembered that there is no fighting it. And I slowed down. Surrendered. The relief that followed was incredible. Everything flooded back to me, the trust in myself. The groundedness. The love. The power. I was beginning to believe that it was the fear of this power - owning it, accepting it, that was sending me into a tailspin. Today in this moment, I'll say that's not the truth. My ego was whispering to me about fear, and safety, and all things that would have stopped me in the past. I appreciate her concern, I understand she's just trying to look out for me. I also understand her place - and it's not decision maker or captain of this ship. Course corrections, and lessons are a part of life. This I know for sure. I'm so grateful to have remembered that all I have to do is grab the wheel.

*we've been in the East on the medicine wheel in Pixie's class...everything lined up for me to (re)learn this lesson at the perfect time.

Source: love-remains-the-same.tumblr.com via olive on Pinterest

Words of wisdom.

heart whispers and rooftops.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about vocation and career lately. About how I will make my mark on the world, and do my part in making it a better place in some small way....My heart has been drawn to this idea of working with clients to create spaces that are soulfully designed, that reflect them at their truest. And another little secret bit to this idea that's been brewing, is how personal styling (wardrobe, etc.) also ties into this big picture. I designed the above board months ago, and it's just been sitting. I called it Global Collected Feminine - I think about who lives in this space sometimes, she is fictional, and yet I know she is out there. Today in an effort to show up more fully and to share a bit of who I really am, I'm posting this mood board as a first step in reclaiming one of my talents.

I don't always call myself an interior designer anymore. Partly because it's only one small bit of me, and partly because I've been separating myself from that identity for a whole boatload of reasons. Linking this love for getting to know oneself on a deeper level, and expressing it in every area of ones life is the component that's been missing in my love for design and styling in general. Saying it out loud - that this is what I do, and this is how I'm thinking about doing it...is another piece of this puzzle that's been missing as well. I am choosing to put some energy behind it now.

There are couple of things that I know for sure about myself - I am a great teacher, I am a very good detective, and putting rooms and outfits together comes naturally to me. If I combine these gifts I've been given (and stop being afraid of them)...it leads me to what I would love to be doing. Helping people (especially women) uncover their unique style. Doing the detective work, figuring it all out, and then sharing what I know about putting things together. Empowering people to do this for themselves.

I'm setting my intention to build a practice that combines styling for the home and whole person. Working with women who desire a deeper connection with the way that they show up in the world, in their daily life, and how that connects to our surroundings, what we wear and creative expression. I really long to work with women in a process of discovery and self empowerment. Self expression at it's purest. I can honestly say that I don't have all of this figured out yet. And that usually stops me dead in my tracks...This time, I am choosing to move forward, through the fear and unknown bits. I'm saying it out loud, even in it's infancy. I want to whisper what my heart says for the universe to hear, so that the energy continues to build, the ball begins to roll, and I can be on my way toward the life I dream of.

Oh and by the way..I am looking for a couple of guinea pigs in the form of beautiful soulful women. I'm also in need of some mentorship if you feel drawn to it/me, I would appreciate any droplets of wisdom. Phew! I'm happy I got that off my chest. Thanks for being here to witness my version of screaming it from the rooftops. xo.

freedom to play.

Last week I read and watched a few things online, and found myself feeling like I needed play. I think of myself as a pretty playful person...and yet, when I look at my days, I have a lot of rules set up around it (play, I mean). I've been looking at patterns and stories in my life a ton lately, noticing places where I believe one thing, and can clearly see another happening. As in the Play area of my life. I can be silly, creative, childlike, and joyful. And as much as all of that is true...I find the amount of space I allow into my life for those things to be small.

I was acutely aware of the need for play the other day after watching this video from a retreat that a couple of dear friends attended. I felt myself pouting. Not because I was feeling jealous about the retreat, but rather, because I was longing to have some fun. I wanted some of that. I can honestly say that in the past, I may have just sank in and thrown myself pity party. I could have gone down a road of thinking things like, I hardly ever have fun, or I want a girls trip, or I want permission to play. On this particular day, as I sat and thought about play, I was moved to take action, I wrote myself a permission slip. I consciously made a choice to make my own fun. I grabbed my phone to see if it had a self timer...and it does in fact, I'm happy to say! I set myself up in front of the window for some impromtu self portrait jump shots. Inspired by Vivienne and her You are Your Own Muse course.

I found myself giggling, breathing heavy, sweating, jumping, and jumping. And Jumping. In the end, I had a shot that I loved, and I also got a few shots that made me laugh even more. It was all about freedom of choice that day. And every day. It reminded me of my own power, and that it's something that I have access to all of the time. No time for pity parties, and wishing to do this or that.

Are you listening to yourself...what are you longing for more of? There is something to be said for making a tiny bit of space for what you are craving. Is it love? Is it creativity? Is it fun? Is it eating more greens? Is it writing? Is it exercise? Is it laying on the grass and looking at the clouds? The point is that you just get up and do it. Not whether you do it perfectly, or often/long enough, or have the right lighting. Or whether you look great while you are doing it. Perfect circumstances & conditions are not a requirement.

If you pay attention, and you are noticing it. That pull....the feeling of, I want some of that...Please do yourself a favor and spend five or ten minutes doing it, or some part of it. Impromtu, half assedly, thrown together, completely unplanned. Just. Get. To. It. You are so worth it. Yes YOU are.

I believe that {I want some of that} feeling, is where we are when we are feeling comparisons, and jealousy. And I think that is where the opportunity is to stand in our own power. Because there is nothing stopping each of us from having it, except ourselves. If we can sit in the feeling, and really look at where it comes from...it all goes back to me, or you...simply wanting some bit of that for ourselves. And that my friend is a beautiful thing...it's your higher self telling you what you need. Take heed, and listen.

What is your higher self telling you that you need more of in your life? Do tell....

Mama got a brand new bag.

I could stay away no longer. I have missed this space. There's been so much going on and I haven't quite been able to articulate it. So instead of waiting until I can be eloquent, I'm just showing up to share what's making me happy today.

While I was out running errands today, I found this bag. It sung to me, and lit me up like a Christmas tree. It's hand stamped fabric, made by artist Valentine Viannay in San Diego. She came home with me (the bag, not the artist), as an early anniversary present. I couldn't leave her behind...she matched my toes! I even got to hug the artist to celebrate. Thank you to my honey...for making it happen.

Hope you have an amazing weekend. xox

celebrating the mom in all of us.

me holding a friend's baby

Whether or not a baby has ever miraculously come out of your body, you are a mother. You have helped mother me, or your sister, or your girlfriend, or your cousin, or your neighbor, or a stranger. You have wiped a tear or a bottom. You have given counsel. You have talked someone you love off a ledge. You have nurtured and natured and gently nudged her to keep going when she was sure she couldn't. You have read a storybook, shoveled a walk, waved across the parking lot, not even realizing you were saving someone's life. – jena strong

This quote was shared on twitter last year, and I can't tell you how much it was appreciated. Sometimes I downplay my feelings around trying to become a Mom. Sometimes I forget that I already am, all of the things that any Mom is.

Today I am celebrating all women, and the divine feminine that lives in each of us. Today I celebrate and send love to ~

Moms with babies.

Moms who have lost babies.

Moms to be.

Women hoping to be Moms.

Women who choose not to be Moms.

Women who cannot conceive naturally.

Women who are struggling with (in)fertility.

Women who are Moms to fur babies.

Women who are nurturers.

Women who are friends.

Women who listen.

Women who are willing to be by your side, any day, any way.

Women whose memories live on.

Women who are sisters, friends, aunts, cousins, daughters.

Women who reach out.

Women who show up when you need someone.

Mother's Day can bring up a lot of emotion for many of us. Whether it's because we don't have children, we've lost a child, or because we are missing our Mothers. One thing that I have found is that those of us that are feeling emotion on this day often get ignored. I totally get that it can be because someone doesn't want to upset me (you), I understand that someone may worry that they will say the wrong thing, or that they don't know how to bring up a sensitive subject. For me...being ignored feels worse. I would rather you acknowledge my feelings (even if it comes out all wrong). This is where I'm at with all of it - you can acknowledge someones feelings without diminishing them or trying to fix things for them.

For example ~

I know you may be feeling tender about _____(or today), I just want you to  know I'm thinking about you.

It's really simple to just let someone know you are thinking about them. Not so simple to leave it at that...but it's all that's needed. I promise. And it applies to any situation. Of course everyone is not the same...some people may want a hug, some may not. Some may want to talk, or they may not. But by acknowledging them, you have showed up in such big way. Maybe even bigger than you know.

For me, it lets me know you are thinking of me, and the fact that I might be feeling tender. It makes me feel like a person, a whole person. I don't feel invisible, or like the damsel in the tower who is separated from everyone else, by a moat and dragon. I say just show up...don't worry about how perfectly you say things, or that you might cause someone more pain. We are going to have our feelings either way. When no one shows up...we are just having them alone.

I cannot adequately express the power of this in words. I'm pretty sure that we have all had women in our lives at some point or another, that were a rock for us, a source of inspiration...They may or may not have been our own Mothers. In fact, they may not have ever had children themselves. But they showed up for us in big ways, out of love. This is worth celebrating today, and every day.

Thank you to the women in my life who show up. I am so appreciative!

happy.ness

these are a few of the things that are making me oh so happy and heartfull this week.

I received a little package of love in the mail...and it contained the original of this! seriously...remember me mentioning that I was loving this print? I cannot tell you how completely grateful I am to have her hanging on my wall, inspiring me to be even more brave in every area of my life...and reminding me that I am loved, not just by this lovely kindred, but by many amazing people. Further testament to the power of reaching out. * I cannot possibly express the depth of my gratitude here for this gift, and demonstration of reaching out. Thank you my dear friend, you are appreciated and loved.


this post by liz.

this post by brene.

a boat load of phone calls, skype calls, emails, and text messages from people that I love dearly. I am so grateful to have such a full life.

this song by adele

and....sunshine!! sunshine!! sunshine!!

the power of reaching out.

I've been quiet here...working my way through Brene Brown's Ordinary Courage e-course. It's good. It's scary. It's so big. There is so much possibility in this work with shame. Life changing, relationship changing, world changing. While it's scary...the thing that keeps coming up for me is power. Looking at the things that trigger shame in me, isn't easy, in fact it's harder than hard...but, if I can truly understand what's happening in those moments, that's where the power is. Instead of swirling in the shit...feeling swept up, and out of control, I am going to be able to recognize what's happening, and use my tools.

It's so interesting to think about shame and how it flourishes in the dark. That isolating, and keeping to myself when I am in the midst of the swirl actually keeps me there longer. Adds to the separation. Shame thrives in separation, and it's what keeps us stuck. Right where we are. One thing (of many) that I will take away from the e-course is that reaching out is worth it. Perhaps it's the longing for connection that we all express. A deeper knowing of this. My soul (our souls) reminding me (us), calling out to us to connect. Come out of the dark. Flourish in the light. Amongst other souls with whom we connect. That sharing is powerful, and life changing for both the listener, and the person who is sharing. If we reach out one person at a time...our world can change.

Yes reaching out can be hard. Especially when you are lost in your own shit. It's easy to think - I don't want to bother others with it. It's easy to think - I'm the only one. It's easy to think - I might be judged. It's easy to think - I deserve what I've got going on. That somehow it's all my fault. I will tell you that reaching out sheds a light on the truth. Tell someone something hard, or big (someone you trust), or start small...reach out and tell someone that you care about them, and you will see what happens...you will find out that you aren't alone. You aren't the only one swirling. That you're loved. Opening the door and letting a sliver of light in, has unimaginable power.

Sharing is powerful, and life changing for both the listener, and the person who is sharing. If we reach out one person at a time...our world can change. And it's all the same world. Right? We are all connected. I'm leaning into this in my life. Starting a ripple. Will you join me?

hello friday, it's me grateful.

I've spent a lot of time today feeling blessed by the amazing circle of women I find myself surrounded by. From all walks of life. From all parts of the country. And beyond. I am a grateful girl.

I don't know if I can articulate my feelings completely...but in the spirit of gratitude and bliss, I wanted to share a few things & people that are contributing.

brave girl by danielle fraser

Danielle is amazing. If you don't know her yet....you should. She's got a huge heart, and is uber talented to boot. I'm swooning over her brave girl print right now...though honestly, I could post a list of faves. I adore the colors in her latest work.

I signed up for Brene Brown's ordinary courage e-course . Registration is now closed...but you can still sign up for a year of wholehearted living. I can't tell you how much goodness you will find at her site. Life changing good.

Yoga is still rocking my world. The benefits are so much more than physical. Happy heart. Happy mind. Happy body.

My new brass elephant - a thrift store find from this week. He is causing me all sorts of giddiness.

Reading....always makes me happy. I'm currently jumping between two books (truth be told....they are the main books I'm spending time with, not the only). Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. And the Right-Brain Business Plan, by Jennifer Lee.

Full of gratitude from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Breathing in sunshine and smiles. Feeling blessed beyond measure...Life is not always easy or perfect, but gratitude is always free. Hope you have a happy weekend! xo

showing up.

This week came with some big revelations. And a lot of yoga. These two things went hand in hand I suspect know. This week was leading up to the 3 hour yoga workshop (which I attended yesterday)...and so I made a decision early in the week to get in some extra yoga this week to prepare. During my first class of the week (my regularly scheduled one) I overheard two lovely women talking about the workshop, I wanted to chime in, but waited. As we lay down at the beginning of class, I knew what I had to do. At the end of class I would introduce myself and talk to them about the workshop, and tell them that I was nervous about it. I let go, and practiced. Afterward, I went over and introduced myself and did just that...I told them that I was signed up and nervous. And that I wanted to reach out to them so that I would have a couple of smiling faces in the crowd that know me. This wasn't easy for me. I'm quiet and often keep to myself, I don't hang around after yoga to chat with people. Yet I knew that this was something that I needed to do. So that when I entered this space with 100 or so people, still feeling a bit like a newbie...I would have something in addition to myself (outside of myself) to ground me.

On my second day (in a row) of practice, I attended a class that is a step up in skill level from my usual. It was an early evening class, and I really had no idea of what to expect, other than that my teacher told me I was ready for it. I showed up early, a wee bit nervous, and walked into a packed room. Way more packed than my smaller, more intimate class in the morning. I caught myself holding my breath. Thinking of bolting. I took a deep breath, and stepped inside. Now it was done. Once I'm in...I'm not backing out. I scanned for a spot, they were slim pickins...and I was thankful for showing up early. I got settled in, and the room filled up. They brought over a girl and put her between myself and my neighbor...we were close. I felt the twinge of claustrophobia. I breathed into it. We began practice, and all was good. I found myself thinking, I have been ready for this class. I am ready for this class. When we got to the seated positions, things changed...there was chaturanga between each and every asana. And I felt it. Practice that night kicked my booty. It challenged me in so many ways. And I made it through. As I lay in savasana at the end of class...I was flooded with these words - I am love. Absolutely every ounce of my being was flooded with the message that I am love. I was born love. And I continue to be. It's the way I move through life. Always have. Having so much to give. Sometimes struggling to find a way to. I found myself crying. When I got home that night I ordered a super mat. A mat that to me, means I am committed. An investment. In me. And how I want to show up in the world.

On my third day of practice (in a row), I decided to rearrange my day to attend a morning class. I showed up thinking that it was the same class as my usual class (my safe zone). We began practice and it wasn't until the seated postions came that I realized...holy shit! this is the harder class. A g a i n. I had that same moment of panic (again), and then as quickly as it came, it left. I continued to practice. And during this class I realized two things. One - that showing up is all that's required. I have the strength to make it through. And two (this one was interesting for me) - a realization about a story that I carry...In fact, I've talked about it here before. There's this place where I begin to wonder, or to feel as though I am being perceived as a weakling. As someone who only talks about the places that I struggle. And that sometimes I feel that others try (or feel the need to) boost me from this dreaded place. On the mat on the third day of practice, this message was given to me ~ it's a gift. It's a gift to be able to show your vulnerability. It's not a negative. It's in the postive column. It may make me feel raw, and exposed sometimes...and not feel like a gift at all, at times. But I received the message, and am now sitting with it. Soaking it in. Meditating on it.

And then my final and fourth day of practice...the big three hour workshop. A room full of 100 or so people. I was nervous. I sat in my car and breathed. I tried to decide whether I should bring my bag in. I got on facebook and left a message for an amazing little circle of lovelies. I wanted to create a vessel of safety for myself, and I knew they would hold space for me. I breathed some more. Got out of the car, and walked up to building....panic set in. Luckily the location was at the harbor. I walked over and looked at the water and breathed. Nothing grounds me more than the ocean. And I went in. As they were leading me to a spot I said that I was meeting a friend (from earlier in the week), and I looked down and there she was. I arrived just in time to be seated next to her. I settled in. And sat with all of it. The nervousness. The unknown. The energy in the room. The excitement. The fear. The ass kicking asanas. The wisdom of the teacher. The breath. The gratitude for my practice. And the love for me. For knowing what to do for myself. For remembering to breathe. For knowing how to set up a vessel of safety for myself. And for taking action. For showing up.

I think know we each possess this knowledge. We each know what to do to take care of ourselves. Sometimes it's easy to get lost inside of the fear, the mind, the anxiety, and the inner critic chimes in. Sometimes we lose sight of our own power. Sometimes it's scary to claim that power. But if we can find a way to show up. The answers are all there. The beautiful power that is in each of us. Is there. Wherever you are.

swept away by choice.

windswept (from above) - photo of me by me.

It's a rainy day here. I'm sitting here and listening to the sound of the drops, and realizing that I was swept away by the storm of this week. Feeling a little out of sorts. Feeling a little raw and tender. Just feeling. Sometimes I go to this place so deep inside that I don't move. I mean, I move through life...in a state of unfeeling. I get out of tune with what's going on within me, and autopilot kicks in. The thing that I am thankful for is that in the past, it would have taken me much longer to realize that this is the road I'm on. I'm grateful for the awareness that I now carry within me. That awareness brings with it a discomfort that I cannot ignore, and I'm choosing to look at it.

One part of the storm this week has been about making money. Being able to support myself in ways that fulfill me. Feeling pulled by money, and feeling resentful about how working for someone else makes me feel. Wanting something bigger for myself, and not being really clear about how to make that happen...leaves me feeling fackered up. Having hints and whispers of what I could do...having inklings and not following them, or trying them...leaves me feeling fackered up.

Honestly the other part of it - putting myself, my heart...out there to new friends, and kindred spirits is really a practice for me. I am so hungry for it, and want it with all of my heart. What I'm realizing, is that it's a challenge to stay open...to be open. To expose myself in such big ways to others. There is this small part of myself that's in cahoots with my inner critic, and together they whisper...it would be much safer for you to stay in the cocoon. The small box. If you allow yourself to dream too big, to reach out, to be yourself, you could get hurt.

And then there is this larger part...the part that's connected directly to my heart that says, you must. You must reach out. You must dream big. You must live big. You must allow the good things to come. You must stay open, because that is who you really are. You are directly connected to your heart. You are love. You are open. You can trust who you are. You are enough. You can trust connection. You can trust being seen. You are goodness and light, and if you show up as who you are...people will see that. And it's time baby girl.

Rather than being swept up by the storm, I am choosing to lean into the fears...and the bigness. I am in choice all of the time, and I choose to remember that. I choose to stay open. I choose to reach out. I choose to dream big. I choose to live big. I choose to allow goodness to come. I choose living from the heart. I choose love. I choose me. I choose connection. I choose goodness and light. I choose awareness. I choose this moment over and over again.

In this moment...what will you choose for yourself? I would love to know. To be witness to it. To see you and hear you. In holding space for you...it allows me to do the same for myself. Thank you for that gift. xo

perfectly me

I have so much swirling in me right now...so much I want to write about, talk about...The Create Stillness Retreat was amazing. So amazing. The women. The place. All of it. I have been sitting with all that happened on our weekend together...processing, and remembering the magic. I don't know that I have words for all of it yet, and my heart has been with those in Japan. So I'm not going to try today. I did find this note written to myself in my journal in June of 2010, and thought I would share it as a part of my love notes series.

i do not need to be more organized. be a better house keeper. be more outgoing. make faster decisions. make perfect decisions. do more of anything. be more of anything. make more of anything. make better anything, in order to be better. i am already perfect. perfectly me.

sharing stillness by the sea - shot by me

one thing I will say about this weekend, is that it was a very good reminder to be present to what is....and reading this love note to myself reminded me of that. what are you being present to today? are you feeling aware of your perfection?

inner peace.

This quote was shared by my yoga teacher yesterday morning. I searched the interwebs to find it and wanted to share it with you. The amazing thing is that as I drove down there, I was feeling each of these things. Hearing the quote confirmed it. Inner Peace. *cue angels singing* I feel blessed to encounter it for as long as it stays. Knowing that it's a practice, and that it will slip away again...and again. All I can do is trust that it will always find it's way home.

SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE

by Saskia Davis

Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many already have been exposed; and it is possible that people, everywhere, could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what, up to now, has been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.

Signs & Symptoms of Inner Peace

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences


An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment


A loss of interest in judging other people


A loss of interest in judging self


A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others


A loss of interest in conflict


A loss of ability to worry (a very serious symptom)


Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation


Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature


Frequent attacks of smiling (through your eyes and from your heart) - this bit was added in the quote yesterday, not sure if it's part of the original. I personally think it's a perfect addition.


An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen


An increased susceptibility to love extended by others, and the uncontrollable urge to extend it


WARNING~
If you have some or all of the above symptoms, be advised that your condition of inner peace may be too far advanced to be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk. © 1984

A little thinking aloud :: I'm happy if they come one at a time. The more often each of these individual feelings shows up...they are lighting the path toward inner peace. And one day we will find ourselves standing in the midst of it. {If we are open to it}. What do you think? Is that how inner peace shows up for you?

Some things that I am thrilled about right now:

above is the moodboard we created for the women's shelter that a friend and I are designing. It's a completely pro bono job, and we are responsible for providing everything in the room, so it may not look exactly like this. But, it's the look we are going for. We already have 2 of the things on the board - the floral fabric on the left side is our main fabric (and where are color scheme is being pulled from), and the yellow keep calm and carry on poster was donated by Victoria at sfgirlbybay. We are looking for donations for everything in the room: twin size headboard, all bedding, pillows, lamps, artwork, desk, desk chair, bedside tables, dresser, paint, accessories, window treatments, etc. We hope to make the room a lovely haven for the women who will live in it during their time of transition. It will be a happy space full of aqua, yellow, hot pink, and some purple (along with some white and neutrals of course).

The premier (Feb. 26) of Secrets from a Stylist on HGTV!! I can't wait for this. Emily Henderson rocks my socks. I've always felt strongly about pulling colors, style, etc. out of someone's wardrobe and translating that into their home. Emily draws from that too. Mixing styles, and adding in quirkiness...her show is so right up my alley.

Attending an upcoming retreat - Creating Stillness. It's next weekend! So this time next week I will be inhaling sea air and eucalyptus, breathing a lot, unplugging, and BEing with a fabulous group of women. I cannot wait. Seriously.

I signed up for a yoga workshop with Tim Miller. I knew deep down that yoga was for me...I just didn't know how much it would mean to me. How much it would change me. *Off the workshop literature - "Traditionally yoga practice is designed as a "work in" method to penetrate and heal the body, to bring clarity and calmness to the mind, and ultimately to reconnect us with our own immortal Soul. In this workshop we will explore the inner landscape through a systematic and progressive practice of asana, pranayama, mantra and meditation."* I will be waiting about a month for this one...patiently waiting....

I'm feeling full of gratitude for where I am. Whether I'm feeling fear, or fearlessness, and sometimes both...I am happy to be here. Open to whatever comes, and feeling buoyed by the swell that I feel moving in my life right now.

my new art supply storage

happy friday!

I'm sitting here breathing in every ounce of this lovely Friday morning. It's chilly outside, the birds are singing, and I'm very aware of my breath. I moved some furniture around in my house, and it's amazing what one simple change can do. My art/work space (studio) has been our dining room table, which is open to our living space. No room for storage, so when I get my art supplies out - they are everywhere! It's a process to put them away, and pull them back out again. It involves some deep thought on my part. And frankly, sometimes I let it keep me from creating. I told C that I wanted to push our table up against the wall and use it more as a studio table (he was unconvinced).

On Wednesday something came over me, and I took matters into my own hands. I started moving things around...and something shifted in me. I was excited, motivated, and planning some needed additions to my new studio space. Some storage, a change to the wall above my table - an inspiration board (where I can pin ideas, and things that inspire me), a collection of art, some wall bins, and a mirror (because my back is to the rest of the room - and this is bad feng shui, and I definitely don't want that). I found this storage piece at a flea market, I loved it, and thought I was going to resell it (that's it above...made by singer for sewing storage - now going to house paint and other art making tools). Since I've been painting more, it dawned on me that it could solve one of my creative blocks...if I store some of my art supplies in it. The ones that I use most often...then they will be easier to access! {and it tucks easily under my table}. Meaning, that I am making it easy for myself. Ah grasshoppah...you have been a good student.

I will post some pics of my space as it develops. I feel so good about it. I finally have a space to work, create, write and BE, that makes me feel inspired. Oh, and a little side note - C has been converted! He is thrilled for me and my little space.

Do you have any of those things in your life that create obstacles or blocks for you? Whether it's a storage/organizational thing, or simply moving some furniture around. What one change could you make today to make it a little easier for you? The tiniest things can create a ripple effect.

a little note from the universe.

Every once in a while I pick up my copy of Notes from the Universe by Mike Dooley...today was one of those days that I did. The Note I read was so good, I thought I'd share ~

Today, you will be challenged.

Challenged by the grand illusion.

Tempted to look to time, space, and all things material for understanding; to judge your place in the world; and to make decisions about your life.

Fight it.

Go within.

Remember the magic.

Be vigilant.

Good right?...had to share it with you. I couldn't resist! Today I had rainy day schedule, and on the agenda was painting and music. That was my main priority. I painted, sang, shook my booty, walked the dog in the drizzle, did a couple of things for the women's shelter I'm designing a room for, and got some household duties done too. Amazing that when my priorities are in line, how much more I actually get done. *note to self...remember this.

:: you can also sign up for daily notes from the universe delivered right to your inbox...(it's pretty fantastic), I linked it to Mike's name above.

day of love.

today is all about love and {like Oprah}, it's my brand. On this Valentine's Day...I'm sharing a little with you ~

you are loved.

you matter.

and quite frankly...I am ever so happy you exist.

Source: google.com via olive on Pinterest

                                                                           (source)

Source: yellowtrace.com.au via olive on Pinterest

Source: leloveimage.blogspot.com via olive on Pinterest

me and you.

                                                                          (source)

I've been feeling a little frustrated this week - the assignment from Get Your Paint On, is kicking my booty a bit. The first week was a tighter, more defined assignment, we did a painting based on a Gee's Bend quilt. My thankfulness meter was at an alltime high - clear direction, yes. This week is much looser...we are to pick an artist that we're inspired by and take an element, a color palette, etc. from them and make it our own. And good.ness have I been lost in my head! Mati & Lisa have been excellent teachers, and gave great advice - not to think about it too much. I'm tryin' ladies. Really, I am. I've looked at so much art, and that's been great. But on the flipside, having such a broad field to pick from is giving me fits. The good news about this, is that I am in this. All the way. And I'm not backing down from the challenge. So there you have it.

In the spirit of Valentine's Day I decided to write a love not to you & me.

Dear you. Dear me.

there is no one like you. anywhere. on the planet. really. that's great news, right? if there is no one like you or me, that takes some of the pressure off. in fact, it takes comparisons right out of the equation. you can't compare unique characteristics. {plain and simple}. so anytime you are feeling lost or overwhelmed remember that you are perfect just as you are. you have gifts that only you possess. you are amazing. you are one of a freaking kind. and you have something to offer this world. you already possess it. it's not something that you have to work for. have to find. or have to win in a competition. it is already inside of you. when moments of doubt creep in. when you are looking at others accomplishments. all you have to do is stop. take a deep breath. and listen to your heart. it has all the answers. lean into those fears of yours. you will make it through to the other side. remember that baby steps are a recipe for success. and it's important to celebrate now...don't wait for holidays, anniversaries, birthdays. celebrate now. celebrate the little things. they add up to big things. especially when you allow yourself a little bit of cheering!

your biggest fan.

xoxo
me

Dear Me Today.

dear me {today},

i've been thinking about you a lot lately. you make me smile.

sometimes i think about your purity and i get a little misty. i wonder if you know that other's see it? and if you know that those who see it, are people you really want in your life.

i just want you to know that you are sweetness, and light. that you are brave. and that i admire your desire to live your best life. imperfections and all.

i so appreciate your willingness to lean into the things that scare you (even if you aren't willing to admit you do). i am so proud of you for all kinds of things. too many to name. i love the slivers of silliness you let shine through...even though it makes you feel vulnerable.

the fact that you have been reminding yourself that you are in the driver's seat of your life (the big cheese), is amazing. keep doing that. i love that you want to simplify/purge your physical space this year, and i am so happy that you are allowing yourself to do it in a way that works for you. not by some crazy self imposed standard. and that you have been celebrating it along the way (whether it's one or two items, or bag loads).

oh, and one last thing...you are an artist. yes. that's right. YoU aRe. It's time to step into that.

i love you, sweetness.

xoxoxo
me


:: I've been cooking up a series of love notes for a little while now. This is the first, in what I hope to be a "longoing" series.

friday fun.

                                             the dog contemplating my 2010 vision board

Friday fun.

a 6 day streak on 750words

dropping the occasional f bomb while writing on 750words, just to see what my posts are rated as. Last I checked, I was PG-13...that's what got me adding some choice words into the mix. i'd like to be a little racier...at least R. i'm not really an NC-17 kind of a girl. if i'm being honest, i'm really more of a PG-13...with an occasional splash of R

finding out that myself and a friend will be designing a room for a woman's shelter in LA.  It's not official "official" yet, so I'm not posting all of the details {yet}. But we are at about 98% certainty.

being enrolled in get your paint on.

scoring 2 drapery panels, and a throw pillow for $17. Yes...all three things! Thank you homegoods. we are going to be building our color scheme around them for the shelter project.

feeling the possibility of allowing myself to play with painting. and having some F U N with it. {thank you danielle for the wise words, xo}

feeling my big dream surging back...like I'm taking my first few steps.

purging my home. yes. it's been fun! in small bits and pieces...those baby steps work for everything. i think the key to it being fun for me, is leaving the pressure and expectations at the door. if i only do one small bit, i'm counting it as a success. yay me!

cheerleading for myself. i've been doing a lot of that this week

shopping thrift stores

playing with my chocolate thunder (the dog). that's only one of his many many nicknames

watching orangutan island on animal planet in the mornings with my love. that's become a regular occurance this week - our morning bonding ritual. bonding over orangutan's...that's how we roll

I hope that you are celebrating the small things this week. Not minimizing your accomplishments. And giving yourself all of the credit you deserve. Because you are beautiful, talented, and one smart cookie. Trust in that. xo



countdown to getting my hands messy.

course info

One of the things I want more of in my life is painting. Last year I dipped my toe back into the waters....This year I intend to get my paint on, in fact I entered 2011 with a knowing that this will be a big year for me creatively. So, I officially bit the bullet and signed up for Get Your Paint On  (how appropos) taught by Mati McDonough and Lisa Congdon.

I am both excited and scared. And I'm saying that publicly to help me be accountable for showing my work to my fellow classmates. It's a year of fearLESS flourishing, and so I will put on my big girl panties and do it! Yep...I'm feeling pretty good about it.

the winds of change.

                                                                source here

I'm feeling a strong sense of change coming. BIG change. It's scary and exhilirating all at the same time, and is starting to feel a bit like a locomotive that I'm not going to be able to stop. Nor do I think I want to. I have lived in this space within myself for a long time (if I'm honest), a space of safety and stagnation. All of it built on fear. And lots of it. Truthfully, I'm feeling sick and tired of not DOing, because I'm scared.

I don't paint. I seek escape in tv and the internet. I isolate myself. I don't speak up. I push down my feelings to make things easier (for other people). And I just plain ole have not been actively engaged in life lately.

While I am an optimistic person, who has good amounts of fun...there is also this dark side that engages in all of the things I wrote above, and more. It's been a process to accept that both the light and the dark are real parts of me. And both have their place. What hasn't been working for me, is that I have been indulging too much in the dark and twisty. And not letting my light shine.

So, here's the deal. I'm going with this train that's rolling in...there's a swell of creativity and inspiration in it's draft. And I'm feeling the fire starting to burn in my belly again for the first time in a long time. I've been looking for something to inspire me. Something to motivate me. Something outside of myself. And let's face it...nothing's going to do it for me. I have to open up to to what's already inside. Surrender to the fear, the unknown, control,  the imperfection. Surrender all of my worries about being good enough. And let it flow through me, just as it comes. No barriers.

The funny thing is that this is something I know...the dark and twisty of it is that I've been fighting against it. I want to make art again (after yeeears of not). I want to make money doing something that fulfills me, from the top of my head, all the way down to my toes. I want to own my feelings and speak up for what I believe, no matter what others will think of me. I want to step into my power. I want to indulge in more design and culture. I want to be true to me. I want to move my body more this year. And I want to let my light shine for all the world to see (not just the few people that I feel safe with).

I struggle with writing on my blog at times because I start to feel that it's all about my struggles, when a big part of what I want to do is uplift and inspire. In my quest to be authentic, I have to reveal that I do have struggles...I am human afterall. The light bulb moment here is if I'm leaning into my fears, and letting inspiration have it's way with me...then it will flow out to the other parts of my life. Struggles and all. Behind the scenes over here (since this new year has begun), I've been writing a bit, and sketching up ideas for pieces of art...there's a bit of flow beginning to trickle in. So today I begin to make space for it.

:: After much sitting with...I am claiming both fearLESS and flourish for my words for the year. They seem to want hold hands with each other...so I'm going to let them. And they both seem to want me to join them. So I will.

fearless flourishing.

Happy 2011! I'm not sure if anyone comes here anymore. I haven't been. If you are here, I'll say thank you so much for hanging in with me. Even when I am quiet. My wish for everyone, is a year that's filled with as much beauty, fun, prospering, authenticity, and love as you can stand!

My word for the year was EXPAND, and that I did. What came as a surprise to me, was that a big part of that expansion was inward. Don't get me wrong...I did a fair share of things that I would not have ordinarily done. I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone quite a bit. The inward expanding was just an added bonus. The cherry on top. Something I did not expect.

I've been thinking about my word for the year, for the past few weeks. Maybe months. The one thing that I want more of in 2011 is Action. Though, I don't like the way Action feels as my word. The words that I've come up with so far are Flourish. Fertile. and Fearless.

FLOURISH is the one that feels most comfy. It fits like a glove. It encompasses all of what I'd like this year to be about.

to grow vigorously


Synonyms: burgeon (also bourgeon), flourish, prosper

Related Words: luxuriate, overgrow, proliferate, shoot up; germinate, root, sprout; bloom, flower, fruit, produce, propagate, regenerate, seed

from the merriam-webster thesaurus


FERTILE makes me feel a bit more uncomfortable (because as some of you may or may not know, I have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years). However, I strongly believe that whether one ever has a baby, or not, does not determine ones fertileness as a human being. In this sense, it's a really good word for me. I want to be fertile in life. And I'm also wanting to embrace the concept of BEing fertile in every sense. I think that for a long time, I haven't even let it be a part of my vocabulary. My life. It's been a big, bad scary word. One that's been too scary to really embrace. That's going to change this year, whether it's my word or not.

FEARLESS is scary. Plain. old. scary. I have had some opportunities this last year that freaked me out. And in the past (at times, not always - I realize there is a story here), when I've been scared...I have frozen, hidden, or run. I want this year to be about action. I've said more than a few times that I'd like to grow a pair of youknowwhats this year. You do know what...dontcha? Fearless makes my knees knock. It makes me think - holyhell...does that mean that I will have to really be Fear.less.? Can I do it? Am I ready for it? In fact, my latest thought was...maybe that's next year's word. Maybe we need to Flourish a bit before we jump straight to Fearlessness. Yep, my brain goes there.

This is my dilemma. I tend to do the safe thing (see the last 3 sentences above). And the fact that FEARLESS makes me squirm a bit...gets me thinking. Maybe my word should make me a little uncomfy. Especially because I am trying to step out of doing the safe thing all of the time, and to begin doing more stepping into.

So here it is. My first brain dump of 2011. And have I come to a conclusion, after spilling it all? Can I say where I'm leaning?...My heart skips a beat at Fearless, and I think that's a good sign. I also really love the idea of Flourishing. That's all I've got. I promise not to stew over it too much longer. And I will certainly keep you posted. Maybe just maybe...I'll do some fearless flourishing.

As I last left this post, I was certain that FEARLESS was the right answer. I was thinking that it was right. That big and scary had to be the answer. After several hours have passed, I've had some quiet time, a walk with the dog, a shower (where I do some of my best thinking), and nourished myself with a little food. And through all of it was a knowing. To stand firm where I am. To allow myself to blossom from the very roots that I have been tending. That is what being fearless is to me right now. BEing where I am. Who I am. Is what I want for myself this year. To flourish. Bloom. Blossom. Sprout. Proliferate. Prosper. With fearless I am worried that I might just get lost in doing, and not BEing.  So there ya have it...it's official. FLOURISH it is. And her heart sings.....

:: In the interest of sharing some of my insanity with you, I decided not to edit this post, and make it seem like I was clear all along about my word. Or that I don't overthink things. Or take the easy way out. Sometimes I am all over the place. Sometimes I make myself crazy. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance. Sometimes I spin in circles until I collapse. Sometimes I am brave, and listen to the answers I already know. In the end, I'm always me - sometimes bubblegum, hearts and rainbows, sometimes dark and twisty lunatic. And I like it all. Especially now that I embrace it.