I'm silencing the crickets. Yes, you read that right...the crickets. There have been a whole lot of them here since Summer. Chirp chirping away...holding space for me. I've been writing in long hand in journals..but I've missed this. The connection that happens here, and out there in the interwebs. I've come to the page several times, sat, began to write, questioned what to write, how much to write. I've thought about whether this is the right place, or if I need another blog...where I am now is not where I was when I began this blog. I suppose a lot of us go through this at one point or another...So much has changed, happened, shifted...and I was feeling like I wanted to catch you up. That felt overwhelming....so I walked away. Too much to say for one post. It can't be done. The other day I got the message. Start where you are. You don't need to run through it all at once, or maybe ever. Just start where you are.
So here I am. Starting in this moment. I'm enrolled in Pixie Campbell's SouLodge, and it's so good. I had heard from a few of my dear friends that the first lodge was amazing, and knew I had to sign up. I am on fire with learning right now. I can't seem to get enough knowledge; I suppose it's because I've found what thrills me, what lights my internal fire. You see, I've connected with a part of me that I didn't know exists (or I did, but it was buried d e e p). I am an inuitive. Yep, I said it. Things have been brewing here since May....actually long before, but I didn't trust it back then. Or even acknowledge it really. In a span of about 48 hours I was led straight into a class that held answers, and a whole helluvah lot of healing. That's what I showed up for, the healing...it's what I wanted most. I found myself thinking that the intuitive part of the class may or may not be my thing. I took a huge leap. A big old Fool's leap, and enrolled. Not much time to think about it. Or get too scared. I can't say I've done anything this brave on such short notice, ever. It was such a big commitment. Once a week for 13 months, and a daily practice in between. Here I am half way through, and loving every second of it.
The biggest surprise is that I can tap into this part of me. I do readings on a regular basis. I can see how it links to everything I want to do in my life, and who I am. I'm still finding my way, but the path is being illuminated. I have this newfound trust in myself, like I've never known. It's been transformative on so many levels, and continues to be...
This last week or so, I found myself fighting with fear. I haven't been in that place for a while, and I was really trying to fight it. Picture slaying dragons here. And then through some beautiful messages from my higher self, and conversations with wise women, I remembered that there is no fighting it. And I slowed down. Surrendered. The relief that followed was incredible. Everything flooded back to me, the trust in myself. The groundedness. The love. The power. I was beginning to believe that it was the fear of this power - owning it, accepting it, that was sending me into a tailspin. Today in this moment, I'll say that's not the truth. My ego was whispering to me about fear, and safety, and all things that would have stopped me in the past. I appreciate her concern, I understand she's just trying to look out for me. I also understand her place - and it's not decision maker or captain of this ship. Course corrections, and lessons are a part of life. This I know for sure. I'm so grateful to have remembered that all I have to do is grab the wheel.
*we've been in the East on the medicine wheel in Pixie's class...everything lined up for me to (re)learn this lesson at the perfect time.