I'm feeling a strong sense of change coming. BIG change. It's scary and exhilirating all at the same time, and is starting to feel a bit like a locomotive that I'm not going to be able to stop. Nor do I think I want to. I have lived in this space within myself for a long time (if I'm honest), a space of safety and stagnation. All of it built on fear. And lots of it. Truthfully, I'm feeling sick and tired of not DOing, because I'm scared.
I don't paint. I seek escape in tv and the internet. I isolate myself. I don't speak up. I push down my feelings to make things easier (for other people). And I just plain ole have not been actively engaged in life lately.
While I am an optimistic person, who has good amounts of fun...there is also this dark side that engages in all of the things I wrote above, and more. It's been a process to accept that both the light and the dark are real parts of me. And both have their place. What hasn't been working for me, is that I have been indulging too much in the dark and twisty. And not letting my light shine.
So, here's the deal. I'm going with this train that's rolling in...there's a swell of creativity and inspiration in it's draft. And I'm feeling the fire starting to burn in my belly again for the first time in a long time. I've been looking for something to inspire me. Something to motivate me. Something outside of myself. And let's face it...nothing's going to do it for me. I have to open up to to what's already inside. Surrender to the fear, the unknown, control, the imperfection. Surrender all of my worries about being good enough. And let it flow through me, just as it comes. No barriers.
The funny thing is that this is something I know...the dark and twisty of it is that I've been fighting against it. I want to make art again (after yeeears of not). I want to make money doing something that fulfills me, from the top of my head, all the way down to my toes. I want to own my feelings and speak up for what I believe, no matter what others will think of me. I want to step into my power. I want to indulge in more design and culture. I want to be true to me. I want to move my body more this year. And I want to let my light shine for all the world to see (not just the few people that I feel safe with).
I struggle with writing on my blog at times because I start to feel that it's all about my struggles, when a big part of what I want to do is uplift and inspire. In my quest to be authentic, I have to reveal that I do have struggles...I am human afterall. The light bulb moment here is if I'm leaning into my fears, and letting inspiration have it's way with me...then it will flow out to the other parts of my life. Struggles and all. Behind the scenes over here (since this new year has begun), I've been writing a bit, and sketching up ideas for pieces of art...there's a bit of flow beginning to trickle in. So today I begin to make space for it.
:: After much sitting with...I am claiming both fearLESS and flourish for my words for the year. They seem to want hold hands with each other...so I'm going to let them. And they both seem to want me to join them. So I will.