Friday, January 28, 2011

friday fun.

                                             the dog contemplating my 2010 vision board

Friday fun.

a 6 day streak on 750words

dropping the occasional f bomb while writing on 750words, just to see what my posts are rated as. Last I checked, I was PG-13...that's what got me adding some choice words into the mix. i'd like to be a little least R. i'm not really an NC-17 kind of a girl. if i'm being honest, i'm really more of a PG-13...with an occasional splash of R

finding out that myself and a friend will be designing a room for a woman's shelter in LA.  It's not official "official" yet, so I'm not posting all of the details {yet}. But we are at about 98% certainty.

being enrolled in get your paint on.

scoring 2 drapery panels, and a throw pillow for $17. Yes...all three things! Thank you homegoods. we are going to be building our color scheme around them for the shelter project.

feeling the possibility of allowing myself to play with painting. and having some F U N with it. {thank you danielle for the wise words, xo}

feeling my big dream surging I'm taking my first few steps.

purging my home. yes. it's been fun! in small bits and pieces...those baby steps work for everything. i think the key to it being fun for me, is leaving the pressure and expectations at the door. if i only do one small bit, i'm counting it as a success. yay me!

cheerleading for myself. i've been doing a lot of that this week

shopping thrift stores

playing with my chocolate thunder (the dog). that's only one of his many many nicknames

watching orangutan island on animal planet in the mornings with my love. that's become a regular occurance this week - our morning bonding ritual. bonding over orangutan's...that's how we roll

I hope that you are celebrating the small things this week. Not minimizing your accomplishments. And giving yourself all of the credit you deserve. Because you are beautiful, talented, and one smart cookie. Trust in that. xo

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

countdown to getting my hands messy.

One of the things I want more of in my life is painting. Last year I dipped my toe back into the waters....This year I intend to get my paint on, in fact I entered 2011 with a knowing that this will be a big year for me creatively. So, I officially bit the bullet and signed up for Get Your Paint On  (how appropos) taught by Mati McDonough and Lisa Congdon.

I am both excited and scared. And I'm saying that publicly to help me be accountable for showing my work to my fellow classmates. It's a year of fearLESS flourishing, and so I will put on my big girl panties and do it! Yep...I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

the winds of change.

                                                                source here

I'm feeling a strong sense of change coming. BIG change. It's scary and exhilirating all at the same time, and is starting to feel a bit like a locomotive that I'm not going to be able to stop. Nor do I think I want to. I have lived in this space within myself for a long time (if I'm honest), a space of safety and stagnation. All of it built on fear. And lots of it. Truthfully, I'm feeling sick and tired of not DOing, because I'm scared.

I don't paint. I seek escape in tv and the internet. I isolate myself. I don't speak up. I push down my feelings to make things easier (for other people). And I just plain ole have not been actively engaged in life lately.

While I am an optimistic person, who has good amounts of fun...there is also this dark side that engages in all of the things I wrote above, and more. It's been a process to accept that both the light and the dark are real parts of me. And both have their place. What hasn't been working for me, is that I have been indulging too much in the dark and twisty. And not letting my light shine.

So, here's the deal. I'm going with this train that's rolling in...there's a swell of creativity and inspiration in it's draft. And I'm feeling the fire starting to burn in my belly again for the first time in a long time. I've been looking for something to inspire me. Something to motivate me. Something outside of myself. And let's face it...nothing's going to do it for me. I have to open up to to what's already inside. Surrender to the fear, the unknown, control,  the imperfection. Surrender all of my worries about being good enough. And let it flow through me, just as it comes. No barriers.

The funny thing is that this is something I know...the dark and twisty of it is that I've been fighting against it. I want to make art again (after yeeears of not). I want to make money doing something that fulfills me, from the top of my head, all the way down to my toes. I want to own my feelings and speak up for what I believe, no matter what others will think of me. I want to step into my power. I want to indulge in more design and culture. I want to be true to me. I want to move my body more this year. And I want to let my light shine for all the world to see (not just the few people that I feel safe with).

I struggle with writing on my blog at times because I start to feel that it's all about my struggles, when a big part of what I want to do is uplift and inspire. In my quest to be authentic, I have to reveal that I do have struggles...I am human afterall. The light bulb moment here is if I'm leaning into my fears, and letting inspiration have it's way with me...then it will flow out to the other parts of my life. Struggles and all. Behind the scenes over here (since this new year has begun), I've been writing a bit, and sketching up ideas for pieces of art...there's a bit of flow beginning to trickle in. So today I begin to make space for it.

:: After much sitting with...I am claiming both fearLESS and flourish for my words for the year. They seem to want hold hands with each I'm going to let them. And they both seem to want me to join them. So I will.

Friday, January 7, 2011

fearless flourishing.

Happy 2011! I'm not sure if anyone comes here anymore. I haven't been. If you are here, I'll say thank you so much for hanging in with me. Even when I am quiet. My wish for everyone, is a year that's filled with as much beauty, fun, prospering, authenticity, and love as you can stand!

My word for the year was EXPAND, and that I did. What came as a surprise to me, was that a big part of that expansion was inward. Don't get me wrong...I did a fair share of things that I would not have ordinarily done. I pushed myself outside of my comfort zone quite a bit. The inward expanding was just an added bonus. The cherry on top. Something I did not expect.

I've been thinking about my word for the year, for the past few weeks. Maybe months. The one thing that I want more of in 2011 is Action. Though, I don't like the way Action feels as my word. The words that I've come up with so far are Flourish. Fertile. and Fearless.

FLOURISH is the one that feels most comfy. It fits like a glove. It encompasses all of what I'd like this year to be about.

to grow vigorously

Synonyms: burgeon (also bourgeon), flourish, prosper

Related Words: luxuriate, overgrow, proliferate, shoot up; germinate, root, sprout; bloom, flower, fruit, produce, propagate, regenerate, seed

from the merriam-webster thesaurus

FERTILE makes me feel a bit more uncomfortable (because as some of you may or may not know, I have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years). However, I strongly believe that whether one ever has a baby, or not, does not determine ones fertileness as a human being. In this sense, it's a really good word for me. I want to be fertile in life. And I'm also wanting to embrace the concept of BEing fertile in every sense. I think that for a long time, I haven't even let it be a part of my vocabulary. My life. It's been a big, bad scary word. One that's been too scary to really embrace. That's going to change this year, whether it's my word or not.

FEARLESS is scary. Plain. old. scary. I have had some opportunities this last year that freaked me out. And in the past (at times, not always - I realize there is a story here), when I've been scared...I have frozen, hidden, or run. I want this year to be about action. I've said more than a few times that I'd like to grow a pair of youknowwhats this year. You do know what...dontcha? Fearless makes my knees knock. It makes me think - holyhell...does that mean that I will have to really be Fear.less.? Can I do it? Am I ready for it? In fact, my latest thought was...maybe that's next year's word. Maybe we need to Flourish a bit before we jump straight to Fearlessness. Yep, my brain goes there.

This is my dilemma. I tend to do the safe thing (see the last 3 sentences above). And the fact that FEARLESS makes me squirm a bit...gets me thinking. Maybe my word should make me a little uncomfy. Especially because I am trying to step out of doing the safe thing all of the time, and to begin doing more stepping into.

So here it is. My first brain dump of 2011. And have I come to a conclusion, after spilling it all? Can I say where I'm leaning?...My heart skips a beat at Fearless, and I think that's a good sign. I also really love the idea of Flourishing. That's all I've got. I promise not to stew over it too much longer. And I will certainly keep you posted. Maybe just maybe...I'll do some fearless flourishing.

As I last left this post, I was certain that FEARLESS was the right answer. I was thinking that it was right. That big and scary had to be the answer. After several hours have passed, I've had some quiet time, a walk with the dog, a shower (where I do some of my best thinking), and nourished myself with a little food. And through all of it was a knowing. To stand firm where I am. To allow myself to blossom from the very roots that I have been tending. That is what being fearless is to me right now. BEing where I am. Who I am. Is what I want for myself this year. To flourish. Bloom. Blossom. Sprout. Proliferate. Prosper. With fearless I am worried that I might just get lost in doing, and not BEing.  So there ya have's official. FLOURISH it is. And her heart sings.....

:: In the interest of sharing some of my insanity with you, I decided not to edit this post, and make it seem like I was clear all along about my word. Or that I don't overthink things. Or take the easy way out. Sometimes I am all over the place. Sometimes I make myself crazy. Sometimes I take the path of least resistance. Sometimes I spin in circles until I collapse. Sometimes I am brave, and listen to the answers I already know. In the end, I'm always me - sometimes bubblegum, hearts and rainbows, sometimes dark and twisty lunatic. And I like it all. Especially now that I embrace it.