Every year as this happens, we talk about what we will do with our kids when we finally get pregnant. We talk about how badly we want to wake up on Easter morning and have our kiddos hunting for the eggs that their Daddy has hidden for them. Inevitably he will be the egg hider, since he wakes up at the crack of dawn on a regular day - though I am never one to miss out on fun, so I'm sure I will be hiding some too.
I haven't talked about our fertility much here in this space, but because I am feeling particularly tender about it, I thought I would. This year I feel it so much more deeply, the longing, the sadness, the hope. In this moment I am feeling the the possibility fading. Fading with each passing year. I know that I am supposed to release all expectations and BE, but there is a part of me that can't quite apply that to having a baby. If I give up the expectation, the hope, the possibility...will it happen? Will the message that we are still longing be heard?
I put all of these feelings in a box (that damn box keeps appearing, doesn't it?), where I can safely keep them at a distance. Trying to hold onto hope, but trying to let go of the outcome at the same time. And to be honest, it's exhausting. I only know that I am feeling deeply right now. It is okay to be where I am. To have feelings and let them move through me. If I don't let them out, then they stay bottled up, and one thing I know for sure is - that does me no good.
I am feeling sad about trying to get pregnant for over 5 years to no avail. I am feeling a bit frightened about what the future holds. I am letting the tears flow as I write this. I am letting it move through. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to feel like they can talk to me about it. I want people to be feel comfortable telling my when someone gets pregnant. I want people to continue holding onto hope along with me. I want people to not stay away because it makes them uncomfortable. I want to feel normal, and not like I belong in a tower and should be guarded by a dragon. I just want to be supported no matter what the outcome is.
We are working on emotions in the courageous year, and I suppose that's another reason why the feelings are a little more available to me now. It feels good to write about it, to let it out of the proverbial box. I have to say that I was a bit afraid of this section of the course, because I know that I have a lot built up in there. I came to a realization that it all needs to be let out. The thing that's a bit scary is that there is a lot of it - the sadness and anger. I can't help but think of all of the good that can come my way, as all of that space is freed up though. That gives me hope for the future...no matter what it brings.
photo attribution -