Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Freeing up Space.

Every Easter morning for five years in a row we get to listen to something that is music to our ears. There are 3 or 4 houses directly down the hill below us that have young children. And without fail every year, we find ourselves gathered at our bedroom window, watching and listening to the Easter egg hunts going on down below.We love it. Adore it actually. But it also bring up a tender spot for us, because we want to have babies so badly.

Every year as this happens, we talk about what we will do with our kids when we finally get pregnant. We talk about how badly we want to wake up on Easter morning and have our kiddos hunting for the eggs that their Daddy has hidden for them. Inevitably he will be the egg hider, since he wakes up at the crack of dawn on a regular day - though I am never one to miss out on fun, so I'm sure I will be hiding some too.

I haven't talked about our fertility much here in this space, but because I am feeling particularly tender about it, I thought I would. This year I feel it so much more deeply, the longing, the sadness, the hope. In this moment I am feeling the the possibility fading. Fading with each passing year. I know that I am supposed to release all expectations and BE, but there is a part of me that can't quite apply that to having a baby. If I give up the expectation, the hope, the possibility...will it happen? Will the message that we are still longing be heard?

I put all of these feelings in a box (that damn box keeps appearing, doesn't it?), where I can safely keep them at a distance. Trying to hold onto hope, but trying to let go of the outcome at the same time. And to be honest, it's exhausting. I only know that I am feeling deeply right now. It is okay to be where I am. To have feelings and let them move through me. If I don't let them out, then they stay bottled up, and one thing I know for sure is - that does me no good.

I am feeling sad about trying to get pregnant for over 5 years to no avail. I am feeling a bit frightened about what the future holds. I am letting the tears flow as I write this. I am letting it move through. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to feel like they can talk to me about it. I want people to be feel comfortable telling my when someone gets pregnant. I want people to continue holding onto hope along with me. I want people to not stay away because it makes them uncomfortable. I want to feel normal, and not like I belong in a tower and should be guarded by a dragon. I just want to be supported no matter what the outcome is.

We are working on emotions in the courageous year, and I suppose that's another reason why the feelings are a little more available to me now. It feels good to write about it, to let it out of the proverbial box. I have to say that I was a bit afraid of this section of the course, because I know that I have a lot built up in there. I came to a realization that it all needs to be let out. The thing that's a bit scary is that there is a lot of it - the sadness and anger. I can't help but think of all of the good that can come my way, as all of that space is freed up though. That gives me hope for the matter what it brings.

photo attribution -


  1. Ok, you made me tear up reading that! I support you no matter what!!! Do not give up on hope, hope is what makes things happen, just look at us. It will happen, the baby (babies) are there, they are just waiting for the perfect time to appear. And you can always borrow mine whenever you want;) Always remember that your friends are here to support you. We love you guys and you're a very important part of our life!!!

  2. Oh, chica, my heart goes out to you. We have much conversation between sips of hot tea to have... soon! And just remember (as I say this to myself as well) the sadness and the anger won't kill you (and you won't end up killing anyone else either) so let it free.


  3. thanks Jen. I appreciate it. xo

    Emma we do have much to chat about. We need to get that on the books! You are right about setting it free...the only way I think it might kill me, is if I don't let it out. So happy that we share some wavelengths :)


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