Monday, November 1, 2010

something I hate about myself.

Day one - 30 Days of Truth - Something I hate dislike about myself.

As I sit immersed in learning to accept myself for the person that I am, I'm finding it hard to write about something that I dislike about myself. Not that there aren't things, because I could easily get going on a list of things that I feel I should be, or be doing differently. I find that I sit in judgement about a lot of things when it comes to me, and this question makes me feel like I could easily slip into a little self bashing. So with that awareness, I will truthfully and gently share what comes to mind...

I suffer from analysis paralysis. I gather information, and more information, and then a little more information, and then maybe just a little more before I act. And then often, I am acting because I get to that shit or get off the pot moment (either deadline or self imposed). I've also called this procrastination. When it was suggested to me that this may just be my exact words were - if that's true I'll kill myself. Dramatic? yes - really kill myself? no. The thought of laboring over decisions for the rest of my life seems unbearable. I choose to accept that this is part of my process at the moment; I'm learning to trust myself and my inner voice. I remind myself often that I have permission to experiment, to fail, to succeed. Permission granted. Period.

And one thing I've discovered is that my inner little girl is still suffering from a life that was out of control, didn't feel very safe, and had very little certainty. I'm learning that I need to take her by the hand and give her some of the things that she was missing back then. A little guidance, some assurance, and lots of love. Getting in touch with her has been a real gift; it's empowered me in ways I can't explain. As we heal together, the trust is slowly building. The two of us will make one amazingly powerful woman, who stands firm in who she is and the decisions she makes. And when I waiver and waffle (because let's be real, I will) I'll remember the permission slip that allows me to be human.

So yes. I dislike the analysis paralysis, and that I do it. It's uncomfortable, and frustrating. And since running from the discomfort hasn't helped much up to this point, I sit with it, until I can move through it.

*Just for fun - the visual running through my head: me, and me as a little girl walking out of smoke with a fire blazing behind us...with our hands joined and raised victoriously. And possibly a celebratory jump into the air - feet kicked out to the side. Dramatic? yes. And silly? of course.

I think as part of my 30 days of truth, I'm also going to add one thing each day that I'm grateful for. Today it's being in touch with my playful side.

30 days

1 comment:

  1. so much goodness here honey and i love that you are playing along this month, xoxox


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