Celebrating Me.

Thinking of birthdays, and celebrating me. Honoring myself isn't always easy. I am three weeks away from entering a new decade, and so I will celebrate where I've been, and what is yet to come. All things big and small.

This year, there is a bit of sacredness around my birthday. There is both tenderness, and hope. There are tears, and happiness. I'm embracing it all, and am ready to look forward to what's ahead. I'm going to be taking a road trip to Northern California with C, and spending a couple of days in San Fran. Enjoying the coast all the way - up and back down again. This year, more than parties, I long for circling up with those that I love, and celebrating life as it is. Intimacy, and love. That's where I'm at. Oh....and I also long for shoes. And boots. I've been feeling a little obsessed lately. I think I will be doing some shopping while in SF so if you've got any great spots, please share.

This weeks five things, celebrate me.

I went to school for interior design and paid for it myself, despite not being supported or understood by my family. They didn't think I could make any money doing it. I did it anyway.

I've always had my own sense of style. I've gotten a lot of "that's so you" in my lifetime. When I was younger it hurt me sometimes. Now, I say thank you.

I can make a mean turkey meat loaf. In fact, C said when he got home today, that he could eat it everyday. I have a couple of meals that I do well, and I take pride in them.

I am not, nor ever will I ever be interested in spending so much of my time cleaning that I have no time for fun. Fun always wins out. And because we don't love living in a mess, we work it out. I like this about myself.

While I am no domestic diva, my house is filled with love. And that's something I can celebrate.

It's amazing how hard I had to think to come up with this list. My darling little inner critic chiming in...now you don't want anyone to think that you're too full of yoursef, so be careful. I hear you dear one. And while I'll admit that I walked the safe line, I'm happy that I did it anyway.

What things about yourself do you celebrate? And is it hard for you?  I'd love to know.

We All Have Our Own S#@t.

I left the house this morning in sweats, and a baseball cap hoping to make it to Costco before it got crowded. As I turned the corner onto a main street along the way, a truck came barreling up behind me. The driver got angry, swerved into the lane to the left of me, and then....just about took off the front end of my car while swerving back in front of me. I have to admit, it pissed me off. I was irritated, and shaken by the aggression that was shown. I moved over a lane, and as I came to a stop at the light, the truck started backing up, I rolled my window down, and so did he. "What did you say bitch?" is what came out of his mouth, I had said nothing yet. But my adrenaline was pumping, and I said, "You need to get a grip".

I was not prepared for what happened next. He screamed at me. And screamed at me. And called me names. And called me more names based on judgements he made about me. And as this was unfolding, I said quietly to myself - oh. I get it now. In that moment I felt so much compassion for him. All I could see was his anger. His face all twisted up and red. His rage. And I knew that it could not possibly be directed at me. This was something deeper. Luckily, the light changed. He got in front of me, and slowed way down, and flailed his arms, and looked like he was still screaming. I stayed back as far as I could, until he sped away. And I shook for about an hour afterward.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. I've been wondering what must be going on in his life to make him act out that way. I have been sending loving thoughts, and peaceful energy his way. One of the things that I wished I would've done differently is to not engage him. To not have rolled down my window, and said anything. As I write those words, I also can't help but wonder if I was supposed to have that interaction...maybe he needed a little good energy sent his way today.

We never know what is going on with someone. And it's so easy to get caught up in emotions. To call names, and to judge people. We are all people. Flesh. Bones. Hearts. Souls. What if we could just remember that all people are more alike than different? Remember that we all have things going on in our lives. What if we could separate from political ideals, from skin color, from gender, from sexual orientation, from social class, from religious beliefs? And just remember that we all have our own shit. Our own happinesses. Our own heartbreaks. Our own challenges. Our own victories. Our own defeats. And remember that the only thing that really matters is love for one another. Love for another human being, no matter what.

I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight until I wrote about this. I have to say thank you to this man, this human being. For making me feel today. And for making me think. And for giving me the opportunity to love.

It's Been a Wild Week.

It's been a wild week. I had amazing, quiet moments of reading. I read Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart", and it's so good. Seriously. Good. In fact, I turned around and started it all over again this morning. I also overcommitted myself to things that don't serve me. I was offline more than I wanted to be, yet I think I needed it. I started a new eating routine. Experienced more technical difficulties with the computer than I care to discuss. Had the world's worst PMS. Felt all out of sorts with my life, and out of touch with the things that bring me joy. Sat in the feelings I was having. Overcame a huge mental block with yoga, and finally went. Saw places in my life that I am not setting boundaries, and also set a few boundaries. It's been a roller coaster. And at some point, I finally sat back and decided to enjoy the ride.

5 things I'm grateful for this week -

watching my pup in the side mirror of the car, with his ears and his lips flapping in the wind.

time to read, and the peace and quiet that came along with it.

the opportunity to see the issues I have with setting healthy boundaries.

y o g a.

the support of good friends. friends who care about you, and your well being. out of pure love.

Where have you been this week? And what are you grateful for?

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