The first few days of the year have taken on a new meaning for me, in the last 5 years. I want to say that I am unaware of the cause of it - but I'm not really. These last few days I've been feeling it... but not acknowledging it - until today. I lost someone very close to me this day. January 5. Five years ago. I was feeling so upbeat and so empowered to take on 2010; I went from feeling like I was going to rule the year, to a withered, and sunken place. There was much that went with him that day. Things that I never got to say. So many untied loose ends. Anger. Sadness. Love. Pain.
I want to honor these feelings I've been having today, and honor the life that was lost too soon. To do that I must acknowledge them, and give them the attention that they deserve. In doing this, I am giving myself the permission I need to move forward. To get started on the year ahead, embrace what is to come, and to live with purpose. This has been the pattern for the last five years, and I accept it. This day is forever changed for me. And I am forever changed because of it.
At the end of this post, I can sit with a smile and a full heart. Because growth is oh so good! If I truly reflect...I don't think I've given my feelings the full breadth of acknowledgement that they deserve until this year, on this day. In fact, I think that the last 4 years have gotten off to a slower start because of it. With that - I now officially step into 2010 with a smile and a full heart :)