Tuesday, January 5, 2010

This Day. Five Years Ago.

The first few days of the year have taken on a new meaning for me, in the last 5 years. I want to say that I am unaware of the cause of it - but I'm not really. These last few days I've been feeling it... but not acknowledging it  - until today. I lost someone very close to me this day. January 5. Five years ago. I was feeling so upbeat and so empowered to take on 2010; I went from feeling like I was going to rule the year, to a withered, and sunken place. There was much that went with him that day. Things that I never got to say. So many untied loose ends. Anger. Sadness. Love. Pain.

I want to honor these feelings I've been having today, and honor the life that was lost too soon. To do that I must acknowledge them, and give them the attention that they deserve. In doing this, I am giving myself the permission I need to move forward. To get started on the year ahead, embrace what is to come, and to live with purpose. This has been the pattern for the last five years, and I accept it. This day is forever changed for me. And I am forever changed because of it.

At the end of this post, I can sit with a smile and a full heart. Because growth is oh so good! If I truly reflect...I don't think I've given my feelings the full breadth of acknowledgement that they deserve until this year, on this day. In fact, I think that the last 4 years have gotten off to a slower start because of it. With that - I now officially step into 2010 with a smile and a full heart :)


  1. lovely. and bravo. makes me think of a tree that grows around some obstruction. by the tree's continued growth, the would-be obstruction becomes part of the tree . . . the part that adds character and uniqueness.

  2. have you noticed that grief can sneak up on you - i mean, "it" (grief) remembers the day/date even if we're the kind of folks who dont' remember dates...

    I'm with you about growth being good - and holding you in my heart about the loss. hard. but. good. stuff.

  3. beautiful expression of what's going on with you right now. and beautiful, timely acknowledgment of all you've lost and felt, and how far you've come along the way. thank you for sharing this moment with us.

    my father died 4 years ago on january 4th, and it's been a different experience for me than any other death in my family. we all have our own process, and it's so heartwarming to see that you've found yours.

    best to you in 2010 with your full smile and full heart!!

  4. I saw the title and knew what this post was going to be about. I can't believe it's been 5 years, and totally forgot the date too. But I remember that I was still pregnant with Paige when I got the news, and she will be 5 next week. Wow, where does the time go?

  5. Jeanne thank you for your analogy of a tree, that's exactly how its been and it has definitely added to my character and uniqueness :) Also, I've been a little obsessed with trees lately, so it is very fitting ;)

    Karen it does sneak up and it's hard, but oh so good because of where I'm at now. Thank you for holding that tender part of me in your heart.

    Dian I actually read your blog about your Dad and commented today (before I read your comment here). Funny how things work huh? ;) Thank you for your comments, and I look forward to following along with you on your journey.

    Jen it is crazy how time flies! I can't believe that Paige is going to be 5 already. Thanks for becoming one of my regular readers :)

  6. Thank you so much for stopping by my wee lil space and leaving such a sweet comment. I am inspired by the way you are honoring and acknowledging the loss of what seems like a very important person in your life, and I am praying that you can continue this wonderful relection for all of your years to come. Here's to embracing the new year! :)


you are lovely. thanks for taking the time to comment.