Freeing up Space.

Every Easter morning for five years in a row we get to listen to something that is music to our ears. There are 3 or 4 houses directly down the hill below us that have young children. And without fail every year, we find ourselves gathered at our bedroom window, watching and listening to the Easter egg hunts going on down below.We love it. Adore it actually. But it also bring up a tender spot for us, because we want to have babies so badly.

Every year as this happens, we talk about what we will do with our kids when we finally get pregnant. We talk about how badly we want to wake up on Easter morning and have our kiddos hunting for the eggs that their Daddy has hidden for them. Inevitably he will be the egg hider, since he wakes up at the crack of dawn on a regular day - though I am never one to miss out on fun, so I'm sure I will be hiding some too.

I haven't talked about our fertility much here in this space, but because I am feeling particularly tender about it, I thought I would. This year I feel it so much more deeply, the longing, the sadness, the hope. In this moment I am feeling the the possibility fading. Fading with each passing year. I know that I am supposed to release all expectations and BE, but there is a part of me that can't quite apply that to having a baby. If I give up the expectation, the hope, the possibility...will it happen? Will the message that we are still longing be heard?

I put all of these feelings in a box (that damn box keeps appearing, doesn't it?), where I can safely keep them at a distance. Trying to hold onto hope, but trying to let go of the outcome at the same time. And to be honest, it's exhausting. I only know that I am feeling deeply right now. It is okay to be where I am. To have feelings and let them move through me. If I don't let them out, then they stay bottled up, and one thing I know for sure is - that does me no good.

I am feeling sad about trying to get pregnant for over 5 years to no avail. I am feeling a bit frightened about what the future holds. I am letting the tears flow as I write this. I am letting it move through. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want people to feel like they can talk to me about it. I want people to be feel comfortable telling my when someone gets pregnant. I want people to continue holding onto hope along with me. I want people to not stay away because it makes them uncomfortable. I want to feel normal, and not like I belong in a tower and should be guarded by a dragon. I just want to be supported no matter what the outcome is.

We are working on emotions in the courageous year, and I suppose that's another reason why the feelings are a little more available to me now. It feels good to write about it, to let it out of the proverbial box. I have to say that I was a bit afraid of this section of the course, because I know that I have a lot built up in there. I came to a realization that it all needs to be let out. The thing that's a bit scary is that there is a lot of it - the sadness and anger. I can't help but think of all of the good that can come my way, as all of that space is freed up though. That gives me hope for the future...no matter what it brings.

photo attribution -

http://www.flickr.com/photos/yives/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

A Sea of Blue and Green.

 rings by olive & hope

she swims in a whirly swirly sea of blue and green.

no concern if her vision is crystal or murky.

she allows herself to be supported by its beauty.

to revel in the purity of the moment.

to feel the sand between her toes.

to move gracefully through it.

to embrace her place in the world.

to be taken by its beauty.

to BE in the midst of it all.

tossed around by the whirly surf.

she lands on the shore amongst the seaweed.

she feels the weight of it all.

and breathes in deep.

her lungs filling with possibility.

her mind feeling tousled and awakened.

her heart bursting open.

she basks in the warmth of sunshine.

looking to the clouds for shapes and inspiration.

feeling elated and ready.

encircled by sea glass

and sea shells.

she clearly hears its call.

A Video that Deserves to be Shared.

All of My Days from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.


Just a quick little post to share this very beautiful video. If you haven't already seen it, you should. And if you have already seen it..you should watch it again. I can't get enough of it. And Kate is every bit as beautiful and authentic a person, as her video shows. *and she was sweet enough to feature one of my baubles in the video :)  Enjoy!

Beautifully Balanced.

I was on a beach walk the other day and stumbled upon this piece of driftwood with rocks stacked on it. It made me think of the delicate balance of BEing. When I am gentle with myself and where I'm at, it allows me to fully be present and celebrate myself. Not for what I have or haven't done, but for just BEing. Life is lived in the present moment, and when I find myself worrying about what I should be doing, regretting the past or what if'ing about the future I begin to feel a sense of heaviness. And I feel a bit more like a pile of rocks...I'm talking a huge pile of boulders people.

This beautifully balanced stack of rocks is what I want to feel like. Just that - beautifully balanced. Able to face change, fear, insecurity, anger, sadness, joy, peacefulness, calm, happiness and know that where I'm at is just fine. Not to take on more than is healthy for me, and not to pile myself so high with self imposed expectations that I risk toppling over from the weight of it all. It's a moment to moment thing, and it's a choice. I get to choose each moment to BE who I am, where I am, in all of my glory...just like this beautiful stack of rocks.

Sipping and Fun.

anthropologie

I'm a few hours late for my Friday post...but we can surely have fun on Saturday right? I was perusing Anthropologie's site and found these fun stripey straws. And I couldn't help but picture a vase filled with flowers, a table full of food, a colorful tablecloth, and sipping lemonade or some other refreshing drink...with friends.

In honor of Spring, the gorgeous weather we have been having, and the weekend of holiday festivities - why not make simply sipping a drink with friends and family a celebration all it's own? Being present. Listening. Sharing. Being kind. Sipping and having fun.

What's For Dinner?...

"Fun" is my F for today. Last night my love, myself and the dog were in the kitchen discussing one of our hot topics "what's for dinner?". It's become sort of a play thing for us, sometimes it's fun, and sometimes it's just plain annoying (mostly fun though). As the subject came up last night, a streak of silliness hit me and I said that I would like to express my feelings and thoughts about dinner through interpretive dance. And the result was the three of us dancing/acting out our words in the middle of the kitchen, while deciding to have leftovers. The dog cannot resist a dance party - ever. He is so quirky....I wonder where he gets it? We all had some pretty funny moves going on. I woke up with a good giggle in the middle of the night, while the two boys were soundly sleeping. One of the many reasons why I am so in love with my family - being silly is so very acceptable and completely encouraged. This is our brand of fun....what silly things do you do with your family, and or pets?

a note to my future inner sales person.

To help keep me blogging, I am going to try and do something new. Celebrating the end of the week with a Friday blog dedicated to F stuff. Fearlessness, Fun, Future, Fabulousities....and whatever other F fancies me each week.

Today I am going to write a note to my future self. Me in the not so distant future...I'm talking over the next couple of weeks.

My dearest me,

I just want you to know that you have had a fabulous couple of weeks. I am so proud of you for heading out and talking to people about your rings, I know that you've been so afraid. It was just what you needed to do to get over the hump. There was a positive response overall, and any less than positive response was just part of getting out there. Being turned away is not a door slamming, but rather an opportunity to learn, grow, and for goodness that can't be seen in advance. Many things will come from this - more than you even realize. The forward motion was great! You were great...especially the part where you were just you. That part totally rocked!

Know this darling girl...you are completely supported in dreaming big.

i love you,
me  xo