Words of wisdom.
Showing posts with label authenticity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label authenticity. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
showing up.
This week came with some big revelations. And a lot of yoga. These two things went hand in hand I suspect know. This week was leading up to the 3 hour yoga workshop (which I attended yesterday)...and so I made a decision early in the week to get in some extra yoga this week to prepare. During my first class of the week (my regularly scheduled one) I overheard two lovely women talking about the workshop, I wanted to chime in, but waited. As we lay down at the beginning of class, I knew what I had to do. At the end of class I would introduce myself and talk to them about the workshop, and tell them that I was nervous about it. I let go, and practiced. Afterward, I went over and introduced myself and did just that...I told them that I was signed up and nervous. And that I wanted to reach out to them so that I would have a couple of smiling faces in the crowd that know me. This wasn't easy for me. I'm quiet and often keep to myself, I don't hang around after yoga to chat with people. Yet I knew that this was something that I needed to do. So that when I entered this space with 100 or so people, still feeling a bit like a newbie...I would have something in addition to myself (outside of myself) to ground me.
On my second day (in a row) of practice, I attended a class that is a step up in skill level from my usual. It was an early evening class, and I really had no idea of what to expect, other than that my teacher told me I was ready for it. I showed up early, a wee bit nervous, and walked into a packed room. Way more packed than my smaller, more intimate class in the morning. I caught myself holding my breath. Thinking of bolting. I took a deep breath, and stepped inside. Now it was done. Once I'm in...I'm not backing out. I scanned for a spot, they were slim pickins...and I was thankful for showing up early. I got settled in, and the room filled up. They brought over a girl and put her between myself and my neighbor...we were close. I felt the twinge of claustrophobia. I breathed into it. We began practice, and all was good. I found myself thinking, I have been ready for this class. I am ready for this class. When we got to the seated positions, things changed...there was chaturanga between each and every asana. And I felt it. Practice that night kicked my booty. It challenged me in so many ways. And I made it through. As I lay in savasana at the end of class...I was flooded with these words - I am love. Absolutely every ounce of my being was flooded with the message that I am love. I was born love. And I continue to be. It's the way I move through life. Always have. Having so much to give. Sometimes struggling to find a way to. I found myself crying. When I got home that night I ordered a super mat. A mat that to me, means I am committed. An investment. In me. And how I want to show up in the world.
On my third day of practice (in a row), I decided to rearrange my day to attend a morning class. I showed up thinking that it was the same class as my usual class (my safe zone). We began practice and it wasn't until the seated postions came that I realized...holy shit! this is the harder class. A g a i n. I had that same moment of panic (again), and then as quickly as it came, it left. I continued to practice. And during this class I realized two things. One - that showing up is all that's required. I have the strength to make it through. And two (this one was interesting for me) - a realization about a story that I carry...In fact, I've talked about it here before. There's this place where I begin to wonder, or to feel as though I am being perceived as a weakling. As someone who only talks about the places that I struggle. And that sometimes I feel that others try (or feel the need to) boost me from this dreaded place. On the mat on the third day of practice, this message was given to me ~ it's a gift. It's a gift to be able to show your vulnerability. It's not a negative. It's in the postive column. It may make me feel raw, and exposed sometimes...and not feel like a gift at all, at times. But I received the message, and am now sitting with it. Soaking it in. Meditating on it.
And then my final and fourth day of practice...the big three hour workshop. A room full of 100 or so people. I was nervous. I sat in my car and breathed. I tried to decide whether I should bring my bag in. I got on facebook and left a message for an amazing little circle of lovelies. I wanted to create a vessel of safety for myself, and I knew they would hold space for me. I breathed some more. Got out of the car, and walked up to building....panic set in. Luckily the location was at the harbor. I walked over and looked at the water and breathed. Nothing grounds me more than the ocean. And I went in. As they were leading me to a spot I said that I was meeting a friend (from earlier in the week), and I looked down and there she was. I arrived just in time to be seated next to her. I settled in. And sat with all of it. The nervousness. The unknown. The energy in the room. The excitement. The fear. The ass kicking asanas. The wisdom of the teacher. The breath. The gratitude for my practice. And the love for me. For knowing what to do for myself. For remembering to breathe. For knowing how to set up a vessel of safety for myself. And for taking action. For showing up.
I think know we each possess this knowledge. We each know what to do to take care of ourselves. Sometimes it's easy to get lost inside of the fear, the mind, the anxiety, and the inner critic chimes in. Sometimes we lose sight of our own power. Sometimes it's scary to claim that power. But if we can find a way to show up. The answers are all there. The beautiful power that is in each of us. Is there. Wherever you are.
On my second day (in a row) of practice, I attended a class that is a step up in skill level from my usual. It was an early evening class, and I really had no idea of what to expect, other than that my teacher told me I was ready for it. I showed up early, a wee bit nervous, and walked into a packed room. Way more packed than my smaller, more intimate class in the morning. I caught myself holding my breath. Thinking of bolting. I took a deep breath, and stepped inside. Now it was done. Once I'm in...I'm not backing out. I scanned for a spot, they were slim pickins...and I was thankful for showing up early. I got settled in, and the room filled up. They brought over a girl and put her between myself and my neighbor...we were close. I felt the twinge of claustrophobia. I breathed into it. We began practice, and all was good. I found myself thinking, I have been ready for this class. I am ready for this class. When we got to the seated positions, things changed...there was chaturanga between each and every asana. And I felt it. Practice that night kicked my booty. It challenged me in so many ways. And I made it through. As I lay in savasana at the end of class...I was flooded with these words - I am love. Absolutely every ounce of my being was flooded with the message that I am love. I was born love. And I continue to be. It's the way I move through life. Always have. Having so much to give. Sometimes struggling to find a way to. I found myself crying. When I got home that night I ordered a super mat. A mat that to me, means I am committed. An investment. In me. And how I want to show up in the world.
On my third day of practice (in a row), I decided to rearrange my day to attend a morning class. I showed up thinking that it was the same class as my usual class (my safe zone). We began practice and it wasn't until the seated postions came that I realized...holy shit! this is the harder class. A g a i n. I had that same moment of panic (again), and then as quickly as it came, it left. I continued to practice. And during this class I realized two things. One - that showing up is all that's required. I have the strength to make it through. And two (this one was interesting for me) - a realization about a story that I carry...In fact, I've talked about it here before. There's this place where I begin to wonder, or to feel as though I am being perceived as a weakling. As someone who only talks about the places that I struggle. And that sometimes I feel that others try (or feel the need to) boost me from this dreaded place. On the mat on the third day of practice, this message was given to me ~ it's a gift. It's a gift to be able to show your vulnerability. It's not a negative. It's in the postive column. It may make me feel raw, and exposed sometimes...and not feel like a gift at all, at times. But I received the message, and am now sitting with it. Soaking it in. Meditating on it.
And then my final and fourth day of practice...the big three hour workshop. A room full of 100 or so people. I was nervous. I sat in my car and breathed. I tried to decide whether I should bring my bag in. I got on facebook and left a message for an amazing little circle of lovelies. I wanted to create a vessel of safety for myself, and I knew they would hold space for me. I breathed some more. Got out of the car, and walked up to building....panic set in. Luckily the location was at the harbor. I walked over and looked at the water and breathed. Nothing grounds me more than the ocean. And I went in. As they were leading me to a spot I said that I was meeting a friend (from earlier in the week), and I looked down and there she was. I arrived just in time to be seated next to her. I settled in. And sat with all of it. The nervousness. The unknown. The energy in the room. The excitement. The fear. The ass kicking asanas. The wisdom of the teacher. The breath. The gratitude for my practice. And the love for me. For knowing what to do for myself. For remembering to breathe. For knowing how to set up a vessel of safety for myself. And for taking action. For showing up.
I
Friday, March 25, 2011
swept away by choice.
windswept (from above) - photo of me by me.
It's a rainy day here. I'm sitting here and listening to the sound of the drops, and realizing that I was swept away by the storm of this week. Feeling a little out of sorts. Feeling a little raw and tender. Just feeling. Sometimes I go to this place so deep inside that I don't move. I mean, I move through life...in a state of unfeeling. I get out of tune with what's going on within me, and autopilot kicks in. The thing that I am thankful for is that in the past, it would have taken me much longer to realize that this is the road I'm on. I'm grateful for the awareness that I now carry within me. That awareness brings with it a discomfort that I cannot ignore, and I'm choosing to look at it.
One part of the storm this week has been about making money. Being able to support myself in ways that fulfill me. Feeling pulled by money, and feeling resentful about how working for someone else makes me feel. Wanting something bigger for myself, and not being really clear about how to make that happen...leaves me feeling fackered up. Having hints and whispers of what I could do...having inklings and not following them, or trying them...leaves me feeling fackered up.
Honestly the other part of it - putting myself, my heart...out there to new friends, and kindred spirits is really a practice for me. I am so hungry for it, and want it with all of my heart. What I'm realizing, is that it's a challenge to stay open...to be open. To expose myself in such big ways to others. There is this small part of myself that's in cahoots with my inner critic, and together they whisper...it would be much safer for you to stay in the cocoon. The small box. If you allow yourself to dream too big, to reach out, to be yourself, you could get hurt.
And then there is this larger part...the part that's connected directly to my heart that says, you must. You must reach out. You must dream big. You must live big. You must allow the good things to come. You must stay open, because that is who you really are. You are directly connected to your heart. You are love. You are open. You can trust who you are. You are enough. You can trust connection. You can trust being seen. You are goodness and light, and if you show up as who you are...people will see that. And it's time baby girl.
Rather than being swept up by the storm, I am choosing to lean into the fears...and the bigness. I am in choice all of the time, and I choose to remember that. I choose to stay open. I choose to reach out. I choose to dream big. I choose to live big. I choose to allow goodness to come. I choose living from the heart. I choose love. I choose me. I choose connection. I choose goodness and light. I choose awareness. I choose this moment over and over again.
In this moment...what will you choose for yourself? I would love to know. To be witness to it. To see you and hear you. In holding space for you...it allows me to do the same for myself. Thank you for that gift. xo
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
inner peace.
This quote was shared by my yoga teacher yesterday morning. I searched the interwebs to find it and wanted to share it with you. The amazing thing is that as I drove down there, I was feeling each of these things. Hearing the quote confirmed it. Inner Peace. *cue angels singing* I feel blessed to encounter it for as long as it stays. Knowing that it's a practice, and that it will slip away again...and again. All I can do is trust that it will always find it's way home.
SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
by Saskia Davis
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many already have been exposed; and it is possible that people, everywhere, could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what, up to now, has been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Signs & Symptoms of Inner Peace
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
A loss of interest in judging other people
A loss of interest in judging self
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
A loss of interest in conflict
A loss of ability to worry (a very serious symptom)
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation
Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature
Frequent attacks of smiling (through your eyes and from your heart) - this bit was added in the quote yesterday, not sure if it's part of the original. I personally think it's a perfect addition.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen
An increased susceptibility to love extended by others, and the uncontrollable urge to extend it
WARNING~
If you have some or all of the above symptoms, be advised that your condition of inner peace may be too far advanced to be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk. © 1984
A little thinking aloud :: I'm happy if they come one at a time. The more often each of these individual feelings shows up...they are lighting the path toward inner peace. And one day we will find ourselves standing in the midst of it. {If we are open to it}. What do you think? Is that how inner peace shows up for you?
SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE
by Saskia Davis
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many already have been exposed; and it is possible that people, everywhere, could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what, up to now, has been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world.
Signs & Symptoms of Inner Peace
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
A loss of interest in judging other people
A loss of interest in judging self
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others
A loss of interest in conflict
A loss of ability to worry (a very serious symptom)
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation
Contented feelings of connectedness with others & nature
Frequent attacks of smiling (through your eyes and from your heart) - this bit was added in the quote yesterday, not sure if it's part of the original. I personally think it's a perfect addition.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen
An increased susceptibility to love extended by others, and the uncontrollable urge to extend it
WARNING~
If you have some or all of the above symptoms, be advised that your condition of inner peace may be too far advanced to be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk. © 1984
A little thinking aloud :: I'm happy if they come one at a time. The more often each of these individual feelings shows up...they are lighting the path toward inner peace. And one day we will find ourselves standing in the midst of it. {If we are open to it}. What do you think? Is that how inner peace shows up for you?
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
someone I need to let go, or wish I didn't know.
Day 10 - someone I need to let go, or wish I didn't know.
I've been thinking a lot about friendships that aren't working. It's interesting to look at them from where I'm standing now, versus when I was younger...even just a few years younger. I have a much better idea of who I am now. And have a clearer picture of who I've always been. I have certainly had friendships with people who thought that I should be different. That if I did this or that, I'd be better, stronger, smarter, more grown up. I used to take that in, and I know it fed into my stories.
I had an interesting experience with an old friend a while back. We were reconnecting, spending more time together, and sharing with each other. One day she told me that she really appreciated my input. She said she thought that I was so level headed and fair (libra), and then she proceeded to say that she thought that I had changed so much. My first thought was....really? I have always been that way, maybe you have changed and now you can finally appreciate me (hello ego). I let it go. There is some deep truth in that feeling though. This is a friendship where I have never been accepted as I am. And in that moment of feeling approved of, and liking it...I got an icky feeling.
Approval from others is not what rules my life. It did for a long time. Now that I appreciate myself for the person that I am (flaws and all), it's easier to see whether a relationship is healthy or not. This is where I'm at, and what I'm considering these days. The friendships that aren't authentic, loving, and mutually supportive are the "someones" I need to let go of. Feels good and scary, all at the same time.
I've been thinking a lot about friendships that aren't working. It's interesting to look at them from where I'm standing now, versus when I was younger...even just a few years younger. I have a much better idea of who I am now. And have a clearer picture of who I've always been. I have certainly had friendships with people who thought that I should be different. That if I did this or that, I'd be better, stronger, smarter, more grown up. I used to take that in, and I know it fed into my stories.
I had an interesting experience with an old friend a while back. We were reconnecting, spending more time together, and sharing with each other. One day she told me that she really appreciated my input. She said she thought that I was so level headed and fair (libra), and then she proceeded to say that she thought that I had changed so much. My first thought was....really? I have always been that way, maybe you have changed and now you can finally appreciate me (hello ego). I let it go. There is some deep truth in that feeling though. This is a friendship where I have never been accepted as I am. And in that moment of feeling approved of, and liking it...I got an icky feeling.
Approval from others is not what rules my life. It did for a long time. Now that I appreciate myself for the person that I am (flaws and all), it's easier to see whether a relationship is healthy or not. This is where I'm at, and what I'm considering these days. The friendships that aren't authentic, loving, and mutually supportive are the "someones" I need to let go of. Feels good and scary, all at the same time.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
something I love about myself.
Day 2 - something I love about myself.
I’m struggling with writing this. Not because I can’t think of things that I love about myself (which makes me smile wide)…but because I am just plain struggling to write. So I am going to just cut to it, because participating in this 30 days is important to me.
The thing that stands out to me is my capacity to love. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. For me this means that, I can still see someone, through pain and hurt, through fucked up circumstances, through joy, and through everyday life. There is a part of me, a very deep part of me where love is so strong, that it sees through the shit that we all have, and is able to see the purest part of someone. I don’t know where it comes from. And I can’t say that others always understand it. In fact, it’s been questioned many times.
As my first marriage came to an end, I was asked time and time again, what I was thinking? What was wrong with me? How could I choose love for someone that had caused me so much pain? All I can say, is that I just did. The truth is, that he was a beautiful person who was never able to understand that he was amazing. He was tortured, charming, sensitive, complex, funny, loving, and more. Yes, he made choices that caused me immense pain, but he also made choices that cost him his life. It was during this time that I not only chose love for him, I also began to choose it for myself. It was back then, that I began to fall in love with me.
I’ve been in situations, over and over, where the person that someone really is…speaks to me more than the actions they are choosing. Not because I am letting them walk all over me, or I’m allowing them to behave badly. In fact, I have been known to begin the conversation when I’ve been hurt. There is just something that takes over…and the only way I can explain it, is my capacity to love. And I have to say, that I really love that about myself.
Today I am thankful for the right to vote. And have my voice heard.
30 days
I’m struggling with writing this. Not because I can’t think of things that I love about myself (which makes me smile wide)…but because I am just plain struggling to write. So I am going to just cut to it, because participating in this 30 days is important to me.
The thing that stands out to me is my capacity to love. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. For me this means that, I can still see someone, through pain and hurt, through fucked up circumstances, through joy, and through everyday life. There is a part of me, a very deep part of me where love is so strong, that it sees through the shit that we all have, and is able to see the purest part of someone. I don’t know where it comes from. And I can’t say that others always understand it. In fact, it’s been questioned many times.
As my first marriage came to an end, I was asked time and time again, what I was thinking? What was wrong with me? How could I choose love for someone that had caused me so much pain? All I can say, is that I just did. The truth is, that he was a beautiful person who was never able to understand that he was amazing. He was tortured, charming, sensitive, complex, funny, loving, and more. Yes, he made choices that caused me immense pain, but he also made choices that cost him his life. It was during this time that I not only chose love for him, I also began to choose it for myself. It was back then, that I began to fall in love with me.
I’ve been in situations, over and over, where the person that someone really is…speaks to me more than the actions they are choosing. Not because I am letting them walk all over me, or I’m allowing them to behave badly. In fact, I have been known to begin the conversation when I’ve been hurt. There is just something that takes over…and the only way I can explain it, is my capacity to love. And I have to say, that I really love that about myself.
Today I am thankful for the right to vote. And have my voice heard.
30 days
Monday, November 1, 2010
something I hate about myself.
Day one - 30 Days of Truth - Something I
As I sit immersed in learning to accept myself for the person that I am, I'm finding it hard to write about something that I dislike about myself. Not that there aren't things, because I could easily get going on a list of things that I feel I should be, or be doing differently. I find that I sit in judgement about a lot of things when it comes to me, and this question makes me feel like I could easily slip into a little self bashing. So with that awareness, I will truthfully and gently share what comes to mind...
I suffer from analysis paralysis. I gather information, and more information, and then a little more information, and then maybe just a little more before I act. And then often, I am acting because I get to that shit or get off the pot moment (either deadline or self imposed). I've also called this procrastination. When it was suggested to me that this may just be my process...my exact words were - if that's true I'll kill myself. Dramatic? yes - really kill myself? no. The thought of laboring over decisions for the rest of my life seems unbearable. I choose to accept that this is part of my process at the moment; I'm learning to trust myself and my inner voice. I remind myself often that I have permission to experiment, to fail, to succeed. Permission granted. Period.
And one thing I've discovered is that my inner little girl is still suffering from a life that was out of control, didn't feel very safe, and had very little certainty. I'm learning that I need to take her by the hand and give her some of the things that she was missing back then. A little guidance, some assurance, and lots of love. Getting in touch with her has been a real gift; it's empowered me in ways I can't explain. As we heal together, the trust is slowly building. The two of us will make one amazingly powerful woman, who stands firm in who she is and the decisions she makes. And when I waiver and waffle (because let's be real, I will) I'll remember the permission slip that allows me to be human.
So yes. I dislike the analysis paralysis, and that I do it. It's uncomfortable, and frustrating. And since running from the discomfort hasn't helped much up to this point, I sit with it, until I can move through it.
*Just for fun - the visual running through my head: me, and me as a little girl walking out of smoke with a fire blazing behind us...with our hands joined and raised victoriously. And possibly a celebratory jump into the air - feet kicked out to the side. Dramatic? yes. And silly? of course.
I think as part of my 30 days of truth, I'm also going to add one thing each day that I'm grateful for. Today it's being in touch with my playful side.
30 days
30 days of truth.
I was over at my friend dar's blog and saw that she is going to take part in "30 Days of Truth" during the month of November. I am thinking of taking this challenge on...speaking my truth is a practice I'm actively engaging in, and I could certainly use the prompts. Since I have been away from blogging for the most part, I'm gently stepping in. With the intent of doing the full 30, while also giving myself the space to do what I do.
Here is the list in case you would like to join in the truth telling ~
Day 1 :: Something you hate about yourself
Day 2 :: Something you love about yourself
Day 3 :: Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4 :: Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5 :: Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6 :: Something you hope you will never have to do
Day 7 :: Someone who has made your life worth living for
Day 8 :: Somone who made your life like hell, or treated you like shit
Day 9 :: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
Day 10 :: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know
Day 11 :: Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12 :: Something you never get compliments on
Day 13 :: A band or artist that got you through some tough days (write a letter)
Day 14 :: A hero that has let you down (write a letter)
Day 15 :: Something or someone you can't live without, because you've tried living without it
Day 16 :: Someone or something you can definitely live without
Day 17 :: A book you've read that changed your views on something
Day 18 :: Your views on gay marriage
Day 19 :: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 :: Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21 :: (scenario) You've gotten into a fight with your best friend and an hour later, she's in a car accident. What do you do?
Day 22 :: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23 :: Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24 :: Make a playlist to someone and explain why chose those songs. (Just post the titles, the artist and letter)
Day 25 :: The reason you believe you're still alive today
Day 26 :: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 :: What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 :: What if you got pregnant, (or got someone pregnant), what would you do?
Day 29 :: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 30 :: A letter to yourself. Tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Here is the list in case you would like to join in the truth telling ~
Day 1 :: Something you hate about yourself
Day 2 :: Something you love about yourself
Day 3 :: Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4 :: Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5 :: Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6 :: Something you hope you will never have to do
Day 7 :: Someone who has made your life worth living for
Day 8 :: Somone who made your life like hell, or treated you like shit
Day 9 :: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
Day 10 :: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know
Day 11 :: Something people seem to compliment you the most on
Day 12 :: Something you never get compliments on
Day 13 :: A band or artist that got you through some tough days (write a letter)
Day 14 :: A hero that has let you down (write a letter)
Day 15 :: Something or someone you can't live without, because you've tried living without it
Day 16 :: Someone or something you can definitely live without
Day 17 :: A book you've read that changed your views on something
Day 18 :: Your views on gay marriage
Day 19 :: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 :: Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21 :: (scenario) You've gotten into a fight with your best friend and an hour later, she's in a car accident. What do you do?
Day 22 :: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23 :: Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24 :: Make a playlist to someone and explain why chose those songs. (Just post the titles, the artist and letter)
Day 25 :: The reason you believe you're still alive today
Day 26 :: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 :: What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 :: What if you got pregnant, (or got someone pregnant), what would you do?
Day 29 :: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day 30 :: A letter to yourself. Tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
I'm Going to be My Own Muse (yikes).
I've been absent from this space for the most part over the last couple of months, I've been going through a bit of a shift and haven't been sure what to write about, or how to express it. One thing that I have been doing is practicing massive amounts of gentleness, and noticing of the judgements I pass on myself on a regular basis. The noticing helps me tremendously, and those are the times when I've really been able to step into being gentle. It's been an intense time of growth, stretching, quiet, looking inward, being present, and lots and lots of breathing.
I recently had a birthday, and I don't know what it is about this year...it feels like it's going to be a big one. A hugely blessed year. And I'm off to a helluvah start. Understanding things about myself that have eluded me up to this point. Seeing the world in new and exciting ways. Feeling this g i a n t heartspace ready for whatever is yet to come. And leaning into some things that really scare me.
One of the scary things that I'm doing is participating in Vivienne McMaster's You Are Your Own Muse e-course, focused on self portraits. Being photographed makes me squirmy to begin with, and then my own insecurities of not being a photographer come into play. If I've ever been asked to list something (some secret desire) that I have an interest in doing, photography is always there. Do I carry a camera around with me? no. Am I the one at parties, and on vacations snapping all of the photos? no. Do I hear the whisper? yes. One thing I will say, is that as scared as I am, I'm also excited about it. I'm looking forward to seeing myself in new and unexpected ways. And I'm looking forward to seeing the other lovely participants through their eyes. Leaning into the fears, and loving myself along the way. It's going to be one big beautiful messy experiment.
Vivienne is leaving registration open for a bit, and there are just a few spots left. The musing begins on November 1.
I recently had a birthday, and I don't know what it is about this year...it feels like it's going to be a big one. A hugely blessed year. And I'm off to a helluvah start. Understanding things about myself that have eluded me up to this point. Seeing the world in new and exciting ways. Feeling this g i a n t heartspace ready for whatever is yet to come. And leaning into some things that really scare me.
One of the scary things that I'm doing is participating in Vivienne McMaster's You Are Your Own Muse e-course, focused on self portraits. Being photographed makes me squirmy to begin with, and then my own insecurities of not being a photographer come into play. If I've ever been asked to list something (some secret desire) that I have an interest in doing, photography is always there. Do I carry a camera around with me? no. Am I the one at parties, and on vacations snapping all of the photos? no. Do I hear the whisper? yes. One thing I will say, is that as scared as I am, I'm also excited about it. I'm looking forward to seeing myself in new and unexpected ways. And I'm looking forward to seeing the other lovely participants through their eyes. Leaning into the fears, and loving myself along the way. It's going to be one big beautiful messy experiment.
Vivienne is leaving registration open for a bit, and there are just a few spots left. The musing begins on November 1.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Celebrating Me.
Thinking of birthdays, and celebrating me. Honoring myself isn't always easy. I am three weeks away from entering a new decade, and so I will celebrate where I've been, and what is yet to come. All things big and small.
This year, there is a bit of sacredness around my birthday. There is both tenderness, and hope. There are tears, and happiness. I'm embracing it all, and am ready to look forward to what's ahead. I'm going to be taking a road trip to Northern California with C, and spending a couple of days in San Fran. Enjoying the coast all the way - up and back down again. This year, more than parties, I long for circling up with those that I love, and celebrating life as it is. Intimacy, and love. That's where I'm at. Oh....and I also long for shoes. And boots. I've been feeling a little obsessed lately. I think I will be doing some shopping while in SF so if you've got any great spots, please share.
This weeks five things, celebrate me.
I went to school for interior design and paid for it myself, despite not being supported or understood by my family. They didn't think I could make any money doing it. I did it anyway.
I've always had my own sense of style. I've gotten a lot of "that's so you" in my lifetime. When I was younger it hurt me sometimes. Now, I say thank you.
I can make a mean turkey meat loaf. In fact, C said when he got home today, that he could eat it everyday. I have a couple of meals that I do well, and I take pride in them.
I am not, nor ever will I ever be interested in spending so much of my time cleaning that I have no time for fun. Fun always wins out. And because we don't love living in a mess, we work it out. I like this about myself.
While I am no domestic diva, my house is filled with love. And that's something I can celebrate.
It's amazing how hard I had to think to come up with this list. My darling little inner critic chiming in...now you don't want anyone to think that you're too full of yoursef, so be careful. I hear you dear one. And while I'll admit that I walked the safe line, I'm happy that I did it anyway.
What things about yourself do you celebrate? And is it hard for you? I'd love to know.
This year, there is a bit of sacredness around my birthday. There is both tenderness, and hope. There are tears, and happiness. I'm embracing it all, and am ready to look forward to what's ahead. I'm going to be taking a road trip to Northern California with C, and spending a couple of days in San Fran. Enjoying the coast all the way - up and back down again. This year, more than parties, I long for circling up with those that I love, and celebrating life as it is. Intimacy, and love. That's where I'm at. Oh....and I also long for shoes. And boots. I've been feeling a little obsessed lately. I think I will be doing some shopping while in SF so if you've got any great spots, please share.
This weeks five things, celebrate me.
I went to school for interior design and paid for it myself, despite not being supported or understood by my family. They didn't think I could make any money doing it. I did it anyway.
I've always had my own sense of style. I've gotten a lot of "that's so you" in my lifetime. When I was younger it hurt me sometimes. Now, I say thank you.
I can make a mean turkey meat loaf. In fact, C said when he got home today, that he could eat it everyday. I have a couple of meals that I do well, and I take pride in them.
I am not, nor ever will I ever be interested in spending so much of my time cleaning that I have no time for fun. Fun always wins out. And because we don't love living in a mess, we work it out. I like this about myself.
While I am no domestic diva, my house is filled with love. And that's something I can celebrate.
It's amazing how hard I had to think to come up with this list. My darling little inner critic chiming in...now you don't want anyone to think that you're too full of yoursef, so be careful. I hear you dear one. And while I'll admit that I walked the safe line, I'm happy that I did it anyway.
What things about yourself do you celebrate? And is it hard for you? I'd love to know.
Monday, September 6, 2010
We All Have Our Own S#@t.
I left the house this morning in sweats, and a baseball cap hoping to make it to Costco before it got crowded. As I turned the corner onto a main street along the way, a truck came barreling up behind me. The driver got angry, swerved into the lane to the left of me, and then....just about took off the front end of my car while swerving back in front of me. I have to admit, it pissed me off. I was irritated, and shaken by the aggression that was shown. I moved over a lane, and as I came to a stop at the light, the truck started backing up, I rolled my window down, and so did he. "What did you say bitch?" is what came out of his mouth, I had said nothing yet. But my adrenaline was pumping, and I said, "You need to get a grip".
I was not prepared for what happened next. He screamed at me. And screamed at me. And called me names. And called me more names based on judgements he made about me. And as this was unfolding, I said quietly to myself - oh. I get it now. In that moment I felt so much compassion for him. All I could see was his anger. His face all twisted up and red. His rage. And I knew that it could not possibly be directed at me. This was something deeper. Luckily, the light changed. He got in front of me, and slowed way down, and flailed his arms, and looked like he was still screaming. I stayed back as far as I could, until he sped away. And I shook for about an hour afterward.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. I've been wondering what must be going on in his life to make him act out that way. I have been sending loving thoughts, and peaceful energy his way. One of the things that I wished I would've done differently is to not engage him. To not have rolled down my window, and said anything. As I write those words, I also can't help but wonder if I was supposed to have that interaction...maybe he needed a little good energy sent his way today.
We never know what is going on with someone. And it's so easy to get caught up in emotions. To call names, and to judge people. We are all people. Flesh. Bones. Hearts. Souls. What if we could just remember that all people are more alike than different? Remember that we all have things going on in our lives. What if we could separate from political ideals, from skin color, from gender, from sexual orientation, from social class, from religious beliefs? And just remember that we all have our own shit. Our own happinesses. Our own heartbreaks. Our own challenges. Our own victories. Our own defeats. And remember that the only thing that really matters is love for one another. Love for another human being, no matter what.
I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight until I wrote about this. I have to say thank you to this man, this human being. For making me feel today. And for making me think. And for giving me the opportunity to love.
I was not prepared for what happened next. He screamed at me. And screamed at me. And called me names. And called me more names based on judgements he made about me. And as this was unfolding, I said quietly to myself - oh. I get it now. In that moment I felt so much compassion for him. All I could see was his anger. His face all twisted up and red. His rage. And I knew that it could not possibly be directed at me. This was something deeper. Luckily, the light changed. He got in front of me, and slowed way down, and flailed his arms, and looked like he was still screaming. I stayed back as far as I could, until he sped away. And I shook for about an hour afterward.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all day. I've been wondering what must be going on in his life to make him act out that way. I have been sending loving thoughts, and peaceful energy his way. One of the things that I wished I would've done differently is to not engage him. To not have rolled down my window, and said anything. As I write those words, I also can't help but wonder if I was supposed to have that interaction...maybe he needed a little good energy sent his way today.
We never know what is going on with someone. And it's so easy to get caught up in emotions. To call names, and to judge people. We are all people. Flesh. Bones. Hearts. Souls. What if we could just remember that all people are more alike than different? Remember that we all have things going on in our lives. What if we could separate from political ideals, from skin color, from gender, from sexual orientation, from social class, from religious beliefs? And just remember that we all have our own shit. Our own happinesses. Our own heartbreaks. Our own challenges. Our own victories. Our own defeats. And remember that the only thing that really matters is love for one another. Love for another human being, no matter what.
I wasn't going to be able to sleep tonight until I wrote about this. I have to say thank you to this man, this human being. For making me feel today. And for making me think. And for giving me the opportunity to love.
Friday, September 3, 2010
It's Been a Wild Week.
5 things I'm grateful for this week -
watching my pup in the side mirror of the car, with his ears and his lips flapping in the wind.
time to read, and the peace and quiet that came along with it.
the opportunity to see the issues I have with setting healthy boundaries.
y o g a.
the support of good friends. friends who care about you, and your well being. out of pure love.
Where have you been this week? And what are you grateful for?
photo {source}
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Hello Friday.
I'm sitting here looking back on my week so far, and I'm feeling grateful for my phone's camera. I snapped more photos this week than I have in a long time...and I'm so happy I did! This week's 5 {8} things is going to be in photos....(ok, so half of them). My week has been full of so many blessings.
My funniest moment of the week. I tried to tweet about this incident, but it was really hard to convey in 140 characters. I got the biggest and best belly laugh. It started with me running an errand, and I wanted to take the pup along. I put him in the backseat, and noticed the trash cans needed to be pulled in (glamorous real life detail), so I ran out and did that. I promptly hopped in the car and drove off....It wasn't until I was halfway to my destination that I became aware of the pup acting strangely, and noticed the golf clubs in the back seat (with the dog!).
I called him up to the front seat...thinking that he would sit on his butt and ride like the gentleman that he is (most of the time), and he simply could not wrap his brain around sitting (actually sitting down) in that seat. So he rode like this the whole way, with me laughing and laughing, and trying to explain sitting in the passenger seat to him. This was the best shot I could get, since he is so big and I was so close.
Me just moments after checking into the hotel on our mini vacation. On the deck of the balcony...breathing in the ocean air.
Sitting outside at the hotel restaurant, and enjoying happy hour with friends. Sun kissed cheeks, the sound of the ocean, conversation, cocktails, and laughter. Nuf said.
Me the day after we returned home. Working on a painting (which is calling me back to finish as I write this). I was feeling the call of duty and responsibility...unpacking, house cleaning, e-course work, etc. and yet the whisper to paint was greater. So I went with my heart. Resumed work on two canvases in progress, and one that was blank and waiting for love. It was a very good choice.
The other great part of my week, has been feeling the urge to dabble in design again. It's calling me, and I'm happily looking at ways that will work for me. One of which is to hold a local sale with a fellow design friend...featuring some of the flea/vintage finds I am collecting! (note to self...snap photos while out shopping).
I also had a chance to reflect on, acknowledge, and let go of an old story. We were driving near UCSD, and I was reminiscing about being on campus with an old friend. I remember feeling a sense of reverance standing in a lecture hall, loving the beauty of the campus, and wishing I could go there. This made me remember a similar experience on the campus of UCSB. The tears flowed. I was telling C that I always wanted to go to University, and that I just don't think that I believed that I deserved it. I let the tears fall, and I said...I'm sad for that girl. And I am so happy that today I know that she did, and I do.
Getting some love notes/tweets from happy ring purchasers. Oh, how I love that. It makes me happy to know that so many amazing women are out there wearing my rings.
Oh...and reconnecting with people you love on facebook (Chloe). Highlight of the week for sure!
I hope that your week has been full of blessings, realizations, belly laughs, and connecting with people you love.
My funniest moment of the week. I tried to tweet about this incident, but it was really hard to convey in 140 characters. I got the biggest and best belly laugh. It started with me running an errand, and I wanted to take the pup along. I put him in the backseat, and noticed the trash cans needed to be pulled in (glamorous real life detail), so I ran out and did that. I promptly hopped in the car and drove off....It wasn't until I was halfway to my destination that I became aware of the pup acting strangely, and noticed the golf clubs in the back seat (with the dog!).
I called him up to the front seat...thinking that he would sit on his butt and ride like the gentleman that he is (most of the time), and he simply could not wrap his brain around sitting (actually sitting down) in that seat. So he rode like this the whole way, with me laughing and laughing, and trying to explain sitting in the passenger seat to him. This was the best shot I could get, since he is so big and I was so close.
Me just moments after checking into the hotel on our mini vacation. On the deck of the balcony...breathing in the ocean air.
Sitting outside at the hotel restaurant, and enjoying happy hour with friends. Sun kissed cheeks, the sound of the ocean, conversation, cocktails, and laughter. Nuf said.
Me the day after we returned home. Working on a painting (which is calling me back to finish as I write this). I was feeling the call of duty and responsibility...unpacking, house cleaning, e-course work, etc. and yet the whisper to paint was greater. So I went with my heart. Resumed work on two canvases in progress, and one that was blank and waiting for love. It was a very good choice.
The other great part of my week, has been feeling the urge to dabble in design again. It's calling me, and I'm happily looking at ways that will work for me. One of which is to hold a local sale with a fellow design friend...featuring some of the flea/vintage finds I am collecting! (note to self...snap photos while out shopping).
I also had a chance to reflect on, acknowledge, and let go of an old story. We were driving near UCSD, and I was reminiscing about being on campus with an old friend. I remember feeling a sense of reverance standing in a lecture hall, loving the beauty of the campus, and wishing I could go there. This made me remember a similar experience on the campus of UCSB. The tears flowed. I was telling C that I always wanted to go to University, and that I just don't think that I believed that I deserved it. I let the tears fall, and I said...I'm sad for that girl. And I am so happy that today I know that she did, and I do.
Getting some love notes/tweets from happy ring purchasers. Oh, how I love that. It makes me happy to know that so many amazing women are out there wearing my rings.
Oh...and reconnecting with people you love on facebook (Chloe). Highlight of the week for sure!
I hope that your week has been full of blessings, realizations, belly laughs, and connecting with people you love.
Monday, August 16, 2010
all sorts of courageousness.
A couple of years ago I signed up for Kate Swoboda's newsletter. I had found her through one of the other blogs I read, and I felt drawn to her spirit. When I found out that she was taking a leap, and leaving her day job to start The Courageous Year (amongst other things), I knew I had to participate. I went through all of the excuses I could come up with. The biggest of them was, I can't afford it (see my - lack story). My desire to participate, led to my decision to dive in anyway. I went with it and trusted that everything would work out. And I'm so glad I did!
I can't even begin to tell you all that I have gotten out of being a participant in the Courageous Year. The changes that I have experienced have been a mixture of clearly evident, and very subtle. Some of the shifts I've seen in myself have snuck up on me. For instance, I started noticing that when I was out and about, I was more present, and interacting more with people that I came across throughout my day (see my - I'm shy story). I notice that I am tremendously more aware of the stories that I carry with me, and how they affect my life. I can identify when I'm living out of the story, and not in the present moment. And I've come to realize that my inner critic is not out to get me, she just chooses safety over anything else. It's all been such good stuff. Seriously.
Kate is super generous, and gives of herself so freely. She uses her own personal experiences as a means of teaching, and you can really see how the tools she shares are used in her own life. On top of that there are the forums, where I have met some really amazing women, and it provides another opportunity to be witness to the tools being used in real life. I told Kate that the money that I have spent on this e-course is the best investment I have ever made, and I meant every word of it. It's been a great investment in me.
I am honored to have been interviewed by Kate over at her blog, and wanted to share a bit about her with all of you. You can read her love letter to the world here. And if you haven't watched this video of hers yet, you should. She is so crush worthy, and I could go on....however, I will leave you to find out for yourself.
A Brief Bio:
Kate Swoboda is a life coach, teacher, and writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area. She supports women from around the world in making powerful choices and rocking out their lives (side note: this involves a lot of courageous laughter, love, acceptance, and not taking ourselves too seriously). When she’s not writing, leading retreats in Italy, or connecting with other courageous women, she can be found sipping chai in libraries, buffing up on her Italian, taking photographs, or getting all bendy-stretchy on the yoga mat. Learn more at http://www.yourcourageouslife.com .
About the Courageous Year E-Books:
Courage is: Feeling afraid, diving in anyway, and transforming. The Courageous Year is a series of four downloadable e-book course modules that support you in courageous living. Organized topically and starting from a place of going deep into you and your individual journey, the Courageous Year also adds in a dose of connection (via the online Courageous Community) and one-on-one support (via sessions with Life Coach Kate Swoboda). The content, videos, and worksheets are designed to be worked at your own pace, making it ideal for people who want to step into their vision for their life while also having a life! Combined, all four course modules support you in making real shifts that you can work in manageable doses. Ultimately, it’s work that’s about heart, living big, and not just nurturing dreams but also creating real pathways for them to happen. For more information, see http://www.thecourageousyear.com .
I can't even begin to tell you all that I have gotten out of being a participant in the Courageous Year. The changes that I have experienced have been a mixture of clearly evident, and very subtle. Some of the shifts I've seen in myself have snuck up on me. For instance, I started noticing that when I was out and about, I was more present, and interacting more with people that I came across throughout my day (see my - I'm shy story). I notice that I am tremendously more aware of the stories that I carry with me, and how they affect my life. I can identify when I'm living out of the story, and not in the present moment. And I've come to realize that my inner critic is not out to get me, she just chooses safety over anything else. It's all been such good stuff. Seriously.
Kate is super generous, and gives of herself so freely. She uses her own personal experiences as a means of teaching, and you can really see how the tools she shares are used in her own life. On top of that there are the forums, where I have met some really amazing women, and it provides another opportunity to be witness to the tools being used in real life. I told Kate that the money that I have spent on this e-course is the best investment I have ever made, and I meant every word of it. It's been a great investment in me.
I am honored to have been interviewed by Kate over at her blog, and wanted to share a bit about her with all of you. You can read her love letter to the world here. And if you haven't watched this video of hers yet, you should. She is so crush worthy, and I could go on....however, I will leave you to find out for yourself.
A Brief Bio:
Kate Swoboda is a life coach, teacher, and writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area. She supports women from around the world in making powerful choices and rocking out their lives (side note: this involves a lot of courageous laughter, love, acceptance, and not taking ourselves too seriously). When she’s not writing, leading retreats in Italy, or connecting with other courageous women, she can be found sipping chai in libraries, buffing up on her Italian, taking photographs, or getting all bendy-stretchy on the yoga mat. Learn more at http://www.yourcourageouslife.com .
About the Courageous Year E-Books:
Courage is: Feeling afraid, diving in anyway, and transforming. The Courageous Year is a series of four downloadable e-book course modules that support you in courageous living. Organized topically and starting from a place of going deep into you and your individual journey, the Courageous Year also adds in a dose of connection (via the online Courageous Community) and one-on-one support (via sessions with Life Coach Kate Swoboda). The content, videos, and worksheets are designed to be worked at your own pace, making it ideal for people who want to step into their vision for their life while also having a life! Combined, all four course modules support you in making real shifts that you can work in manageable doses. Ultimately, it’s work that’s about heart, living big, and not just nurturing dreams but also creating real pathways for them to happen. For more information, see http://www.thecourageousyear.com .
Friday, August 13, 2010
Hello Friday.
I'm so lucky to look at skies like these every night.
Happy Friday lovely ones. Every Friday, I've been posting some sort of fun facts, and last week I posted a list of things I loved about my week. This week, I'm doing both!
5 things about me -
I've discovered the beauty of contradictions. I used to think that it was unacceptable that I was both quiet, and full of moxie. That I was afraid to try things, and tenacious. That I was strong, and weak. etc. What a wonderous thing to embrace both all sides, and how really spectacular it is to be all of these things instead of any one. I cherish the conversations I've had on this subject.
Music is one of the things that I cannot live without. Somehow I forget for a few days or weeks, and then I put it on and my heart expands tenfold. And I remember again.
I once got up in the middle of the night to watch a meteor shower with my Grandpa, and it is one of my fondest memories ever. I think I was in my early 20's and living with my grandparents at the time. We laid on lounge chairs in the backyard looking up at the sky. Pure. Beauty. Simplicity.
I had a mole diagnosed as melanoma on my back in early 2009, and it changed my life. It was caught early, and removed. I kept almost all of my fear to myself, and I had a lot of it. What a lesson that was. It was such an intense experience...I would love to share a bit of it with you - a post will come.
I have been feeling the need to simplify, and de-clutter for some time. I've officially begun the work, and it feels good. Letting go to open up to what is yet to come!
Five things I love about my week -
painting! I worked on a piece that I've had half done, it's on its way... C said why did you ruin that piece? The truth is, I never looked at it as anywhere near being done. I can smile because no matter what anyone else thinks, I see and love the process and progress.
framing some of the prints I've had laying around. Now I can't wait to play with where they will hang....
sending off 2 lovely rings this week, and getting a love note once one of the girls made it to her new home. There is nothing better than hearing how happy someone is when they receive one of my packages. Love.
getting my hair colored! this was a much needed and wonderful treat this week.
fun with friends this weekend. We are heading down to San Diego for some R&R, and did I mention I'll be indulging in great food?
ok I'm sneaking in a 6th thing -
discussing details of a designer tag sale! Think fancy yard sale...with flea market, vintage finds, and maybe a few new unique things - mostly home related (at least for the first one). In Fall. As we figure it out, I'll share the deets.
As always, I'd love to hear from you. Either something you love about your week, or a fun fact. Please share it feels good.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Getting It.
My weeks have been flying, and I haven't been spending much time here. I've been making time for play, reading, and really just being where I am. I've also been playing with squarespace, trying to build a website...and feeling a little lost in the process. I signed up for their free trial, to see how everything works and if I can maneuver my way around...it turns out that it's a little too technically fancy for me, but I'm thinking about giving it a shot anyway. I may just have to learn some code, and/or get someone to help me a bit.
One thing that I've realized over the last few weeks, is that I have the tendancy to make things hard. So, I'm currently working on a piece of art to remind me to "make it easy". I'm trying making it easy on for size this week...and am looking forward to seeing how it goes. I will definitely report my findings.
I'm so happy to have learned that it's possible to to rewrite your story. There are certain lessons that you come up against, over and over, and each time you take something away from it. Lately, I have been experiencing so many "oh, NOW I get it" moments. It's in those moments, that I am so grateful to be on this path. It's so worth it to realize not only with your head, but with your heart, and your entire being, the things that are truth. Your truth.
This is my big one right now (it's a lesson that I've faced many times...but this time it's sticking) - that the way I do things, and have done things, is ok. That where I'm at is ok. That my choices are ok. There is no wrong in them. There is nothing that can be done to change them, and that's ok too. There will always be more choices to be made...the weight of the world is not hanging on any one thing. It is, what it is. I am who I am. In this moment. And that's really freeing. To not have to spend so much time agonizing over making decisions, and overthinking everything. So much suffering goes out the window, at this point. yowza! I think there will always be more lessons to learn, and I'll continue to have the smaller needed lessons...the ones that lead to the bigger now I get it moments. That's ok too, in fact, I want them to continue coming. The beauty in getting something with your whole being, integrating it, is that it can no longer slip away. Of course there may be moments that I head back into the worry, and indecision...but the stay won't be as long, I can always come home to the truth. It's a part of me now, and because of that, I will always have access to that knowledge.
One thing that I've realized over the last few weeks, is that I have the tendancy to make things hard. So, I'm currently working on a piece of art to remind me to "make it easy". I'm trying making it easy on for size this week...and am looking forward to seeing how it goes. I will definitely report my findings.
I'm so happy to have learned that it's possible to to rewrite your story. There are certain lessons that you come up against, over and over, and each time you take something away from it. Lately, I have been experiencing so many "oh, NOW I get it" moments. It's in those moments, that I am so grateful to be on this path. It's so worth it to realize not only with your head, but with your heart, and your entire being, the things that are truth. Your truth.
This is my big one right now (it's a lesson that I've faced many times...but this time it's sticking) - that the way I do things, and have done things, is ok. That where I'm at is ok. That my choices are ok. There is no wrong in them. There is nothing that can be done to change them, and that's ok too. There will always be more choices to be made...the weight of the world is not hanging on any one thing. It is, what it is. I am who I am. In this moment. And that's really freeing. To not have to spend so much time agonizing over making decisions, and overthinking everything. So much suffering goes out the window, at this point. yowza! I think there will always be more lessons to learn, and I'll continue to have the smaller needed lessons...the ones that lead to the bigger now I get it moments. That's ok too, in fact, I want them to continue coming. The beauty in getting something with your whole being, integrating it, is that it can no longer slip away. Of course there may be moments that I head back into the worry, and indecision...but the stay won't be as long, I can always come home to the truth. It's a part of me now, and because of that, I will always have access to that knowledge.
Friday, July 30, 2010
random fun.
Hello Friday. You are a fun day aren't you? In your honor, and in keeping with the new tradition I've started...it's time for Fun Facts.
I cry at parades, dance recitals, kids school programs, during the olympics, and pretty much any other time when I am watching people do something that they have put a lot of time and effort into. Especially, when it's kids...but I am known to be an equal opportunity tear shedder. It's the empath in me, I'm sure. It's like I feel every bit of what they are feeling, and it's such a beautiful thing to see people sharing their performance with you.
These roller skates (not this particular pair of course) were one of my favorite things when I was a kid. My driveway was not level so we skated in the next door neighbors driveway next to their airstream (oh, how I loved that thing). And of course I went to the roller skating rink too.
What I'm smelling right now? My dog....and it's not good. 100lbs of it, is really bad. Perhaps a bath is in order this weekend.....
I have been having really vivid dreams for the last month or so, and can remember them clearly in the morning. Last nights featured a little white mouse that C found, he was holding it up to my face and all around me, trying to tease me with it. I felt a little squeamish about it, but that eventually passed. Hmmm. A little dream interpretation...sit with the squeamishness, and it will eventually pass? Or is there some symbolism with the white mouse?
I love birthdays. Mine, yours, anyones. I love em.When I was 19ish I bought a handpainted plate that says Happy Birthday in hopes of starting a future family tradition. Since we don't have our kiddos yet, C and I use it. C's birthday is on Christmas so I make sure that we always have bday time too - he gets the plate with breakfast.
I'm makin' it easy this week, so I hope you had fun with the random facts. Anyone want to take a stab at dream interpretation? Or share another one of your fun facts with me? I love that some of you have been playing along. Happy Friday!
*Did you happen to read this post this week? If not, you should.
I cry at parades, dance recitals, kids school programs, during the olympics, and pretty much any other time when I am watching people do something that they have put a lot of time and effort into. Especially, when it's kids...but I am known to be an equal opportunity tear shedder. It's the empath in me, I'm sure. It's like I feel every bit of what they are feeling, and it's such a beautiful thing to see people sharing their performance with you.
These roller skates (not this particular pair of course) were one of my favorite things when I was a kid. My driveway was not level so we skated in the next door neighbors driveway next to their airstream (oh, how I loved that thing). And of course I went to the roller skating rink too.
What I'm smelling right now? My dog....and it's not good. 100lbs of it, is really bad. Perhaps a bath is in order this weekend.....
I have been having really vivid dreams for the last month or so, and can remember them clearly in the morning. Last nights featured a little white mouse that C found, he was holding it up to my face and all around me, trying to tease me with it. I felt a little squeamish about it, but that eventually passed. Hmmm. A little dream interpretation...sit with the squeamishness, and it will eventually pass? Or is there some symbolism with the white mouse?
I love birthdays. Mine, yours, anyones. I love em.When I was 19ish I bought a handpainted plate that says Happy Birthday in hopes of starting a future family tradition. Since we don't have our kiddos yet, C and I use it. C's birthday is on Christmas so I make sure that we always have bday time too - he gets the plate with breakfast.
I'm makin' it easy this week, so I hope you had fun with the random facts. Anyone want to take a stab at dream interpretation? Or share another one of your fun facts with me? I love that some of you have been playing along. Happy Friday!
*Did you happen to read this post this week? If not, you should.
Friday, July 23, 2010
How'd You Sneak Up on Me Friday?
a boy and his mom
Here we are at another Friday. Yowza time flies as you get older! I am sitting here feeling a bit like today is a sacred day, I'm not sure why. I don't know that if I did, I could articulate it. I do know that my heart is full to bursting, and I am feeling such deep gratitude for the people in my life. I am a lucky girl. If you are reading this, then you are a part of the reason I feel so blessed. Thank you ♥
Since we are at Friday, I must share some Fun Facts....
In the photo above (taken yesterday) I was sporting two little buns that didn't show up (in shadow) as well as I would've liked. They made me feel cute!
I don't like raw onions (at all), but I do love the sweetness of one that is cooked to melt in your mouth goodness. My Grandma told me I would grow out of this, I guess she was half right.
I secretly love to sing. I was once told by my Dad that I sounded like a wailing cow, and that one comment knocked the wind out of my sails (despite being told by others that I was a good singer). Now I sing in the car when I'm alone, and around the house with C - he accompanies me on eukelele, and sings along sometimes too. Singing in front of people is something I have on my list of to do's.
I have blue eyes, and they are super sensitive to light. Because of this, you won't find me outside without my sunnies. Even on a grey day.
I cry, smile, and giggle everytime I watch this video . It's full of joy, self expression, beauty, and gets me every time!
I have a few more fun facts in my bag of tricks...but I have to keep it to 5 at a time. Seriously, what if I run out?!
Anyone else want to share? A tidbit, a video link that makes you happy, something you are grateful for? Anything?...
Friday, July 16, 2010
More Bits and Pieces.
It's looking as though my Friday's F posts, are quickly turning into a regular Fun Facts series. I'm going with it, and not thinking about it too much because right now, I'm mostly interested in being invested and showing up. Even if showing up is all that I can do. So here goes ~
I have learned throughout life to keep things quiet. That it's better to not share what's going on, than to risk people really knowing. It may cause embarassment, or shame, or godknowswhat. This story is no longer serving me. It's made me an uber private person, and I have found myself regularly feeling nervous to write on my blog because of it. So I chose to share some of my history growing up as a way to dip my toes in the water. To test out talking about things that may make me a little squeamish. I don't want my blog to be just about struggles / life stuff, and I'm working out how to mix both the business side of what I'm doing with where I'm at. I would love for it to be a balance of both. I am who I am because of where I've been; I wouldn't be on my current path without all of it. My desire is for my blog to represent me - living authentically, creating, loving, running a creative business, finding my way, and stepping into my power. In order for it to be that, I must risk being seen. This is what my intuition is telling me. Over and over again.
Is your intution or inner voice whispering something to you? If so, what is it saying?
I am an only child. Born to parents that were barely out of their teens, and who often chose partying over parenting. I'm so thankful to know now that they did the best they could.
My Grandma on my Dad's side, always joked that she was my Fairy Grandmother. We had a lot of fun together. We watched sports (the beginning of my allegiance to the Lakers), played board games, colored and drew pictures, watched crime dramas on tv, went shopping, and read books. She was child like, and we connected deeply. We ate lots of carbs together, one of her signature dishes was beef stew and cinnamon rolls. She was one half of my Wonder Gram Duo.
My Grandma on my Mom's side, is really creative, though I don't think I realized that growing up. She is the one who knits, sews, does needlepoint, and cooks delicious food. Honestly, I don't know if she realizes how creative she is. I learned about eating healthy in her household...even if I didn't embrace what I learned until I got older. I was inspired by all of the fun things she does for hobbies - knitting, sewing, and needlepoint. She is the other half.
I could go on and on about my Grandmas, and all of the things I learned from them. It's amazing to be able to look back and clearly see the balance of what I was exposed to. One very liberal household, and one very conservative. One very religious, and one not so much. One household that always had pets, one that didn't. One that had a meat and potatoes kind of diet, and one that baked fresh bread, ate whole grains, and lots of lean meat and vegetables. One household was active and exercised regularly, and one that didn't. These are a few examples.
I am grateful for the family I was born into. All of it - the good and the bad. I believe I chose my family and that all was exactly as it should have been. My household with my parents was more chaotic than that of my grandparents, but I was provided with plenty of support in the form of family and friends. I have always been taken care of. Always loved by all of them. And today I stand firmly rooted in gratitude for all of it.
I have learned throughout life to keep things quiet. That it's better to not share what's going on, than to risk people really knowing. It may cause embarassment, or shame, or godknowswhat. This story is no longer serving me. It's made me an uber private person, and I have found myself regularly feeling nervous to write on my blog because of it. So I chose to share some of my history growing up as a way to dip my toes in the water. To test out talking about things that may make me a little squeamish. I don't want my blog to be just about struggles / life stuff, and I'm working out how to mix both the business side of what I'm doing with where I'm at. I would love for it to be a balance of both. I am who I am because of where I've been; I wouldn't be on my current path without all of it. My desire is for my blog to represent me - living authentically, creating, loving, running a creative business, finding my way, and stepping into my power. In order for it to be that, I must risk being seen. This is what my intuition is telling me. Over and over again.
Is your intution or inner voice whispering something to you? If so, what is it saying?
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