Happy Monday Little Miss Inner Critic.

I am aware that you are afraid today inner critic. I am aware that you are worried that I might fail, or that I might make a stupid mistake today (or any day for that matter). I understand that you only want the best for me. You just have a crappy way of showing it. You show your love for me by whispering things that will scare me, and make me feel as anxious as you do in an effort to keep me safe. I am going to start the week off by acknowledging you my darling inner critic and all of your concern, but more importantly by choosing to face the week and all it brings anyway.

As I'm nearing the end of level one of the courageous year I'm examining the progress I've made, and taking a look at where I am at. I am not perfect, and I still feel like I may succumb to fear at any given moment. I am still feeling overwhelm tugging at my skirt strings. I am feeling like I am filled with worry and anxiety over starting a business - wondering if I will make it and be able to pay my bills. And I am filled with worry over not getting it all right. However, here's the good part on this gorgeous Monday - I am acknowledging all of these things. Which hot diggity...means I am present. I am feeling empowered. I am feeling my emotions, but not getting run over by them. I have made some really good changes, and I will not diminish that. I am accepting where I'm at today, and while it may not be exactly where I want to be, in this moment I am here and accounted for. That's all I can hope for. I don't expect to be some perfected version of me, just maybe a souped up version. You know the one that still experiences all of the stuff that surfaces from time to time...but knows that that is all it is.

 Perfect or not...here I come. Ready to face the rest of the week and all it brings.

Where Worthiness Lives.

It’s being talked about everywhere I turn. Worthiness. Abundance. As you may already know, I’ve claimed embracing abundance as one of my primary focuses of the year. And when it comes down to it…abundance and worthiness go hand in hand. If you don’t feel worthy of good things, then how can abundance possibly come your way? Brene Brown has a Week of Worthiness going on over at her blog to promote what looks like an amazing new dvd that she just released. Its inspired bloggers everywhere to discuss worthiness, and it feels a bit like an uprising to me. Some of the blogs are hosting giveaways of the dvd, and to enter you are asked to put in the comments section – I am worthy, or some other variation of that. You scroll down and see person after person declaring that for themselves, and it starts to feel really powerful.

I think that there is something to be said for doing anything in numbers, and I am all for a Worthiness Movement :) To know that we are born as perfect beings that are worthy of all of lifes richness (and not just the monetary kind), is a gift. Finding our way back to that is the challenge. It is amazing to read how others feel about worthiness and a lack thereof, people feel it in terms of everything from their bodies, to their homes, to their wardrobe, and to just being enough. Being enough as a person. I will raise my hand here right now, and admit that I have felt this way in every one of those areas. It’s absolutely true. And at some point it has become uncomfortable for me to feel this way any longer. There is a separateness that comes from it, and there is no need for it. You can clearly see that, as you read the blogs that are participating in this week of worthiness. There is no separation in us as people, and there should be no separation in each us from all of our perfection at the soul level.

I’ve said before that I believe our beauty is inherent, it's in our cells and in our souls, and I believe the same goes with worthiness. It's not about perfection, how much you get marked off a to-do list, how others perceive us, or what we have in life - it about understanding that we can step back into that soul level perfection every moment, every day - no matter what. Whether you've had a good or bad hair day. Gained 10 lbs or lost 10 lbs. Have gray hair or no gray hair. Are working at your dream job or not. Are feeling full of energy or choose to lay on the couch. Feel comfortable in a bathing suit or not. Are paralyzed by fear or are always jumping right in with both feet. Have a mountain of debt or have money coming out of your ears. Own a home. Are homeless.  Rent a home. Exercise 7 days a week or think about exercising 7 days a week (this could go on forever...). What I'm trying to say is that no matter what you think you should have to be or do, before worthiness can find you...we each already possess it in this very moment. It lives in each of us. You don't need to check things off the list before you can claim it.

I am choosing to claim it for myself. Declaring it for myself. I am worthy. I am enough. What about you? Declare it in my comments, there is power in numbers.

A Little of Me.

I have the feeling that something big is on the horizon. I am feeling alive, and inspired to live, love, create, nurture, and use my voice (for good not evil - of course). I found this meme over at Kate's blog and loved it. Because I think that being open is an important part of my journey, I decided to dive in and play along!

I am: creative. sweet. silly. quiet. easy going. trustworthy. insecure. detail oriented. quirky. a great teacher. positive. sensitive. a worrier. level headed (i'm a Libra). a pig tail wearer. happy. sad. scared. strong. big hearted.

I think: that the world would be a better place if people were nicer to one another

I know: that I am a beautiful soul.

I want: to embrace an abundant life full of all of the things that I've forgotten I deserve

I have: hope for the future

I dislike: people who bully others

I miss: collaborative creative work, I feel like some of my best work has been born out of collaboration

I fear: living small for the rest of my life - being stuck because of fear. not realizing my dreams

I feel: filled with hope and anticipation, and scared with a little twinge of ohcrapwhatsaroundthecorner at the same time

I hear: music - it's been a Pandora Radio kind of day

I smell: pineapple and eau de labrador retriever

I crave: connection, creative expression and sometimes mexican food ;)

I usually: put too much importance on what others think of me

I search: for the good in every situation

I wonder: if I will really be able to step into my power

I regret: the way that I've spoken/treated myself through the years. thankfully, now I know better - most of the time ;) it's a process

I love: my love. and my dog. they are my family, and fill my days and nights with fun, love, richness, and joy. I know that no matter what, good times or bad (and we've had both), they are there for me. loving me -endlessly

I care: about people's well being - including my own

I am always: silly, even if I don't show you

I worry: that I won't be perceived as a grown up

I remember: being completely connected to my creative abilities when I was a child, and I'm working on getting back there

I have: a strong desire to do some kind of creative work, that involves inspiring/empowering girls

I dance: all of the time! with my love. with my dog. in the kitchen. in the living room. in the bathroom. in the bedroom. not in public unless some alcohol has been consumed (working on this one)

I sing: whenever I hear a song that I know the words to, and that's pretty often. some people know movie lines, I remember song lyrics

I don’t always: do the things that I want to, mostly because of fear

I argue: rarely. and when I do, it's something I feel passionately about. it usually only lasts until I remember it's my ego talking

I write: because I'm amazed at the things you learn about yourself along the way

I lose: my mind over stripey socks and boots

I wish: to live a fulfilled life and to accept that I can dream HUGE for myself - there need not be barriers or limits

I listen: to music with a fervor, and my intuition as often as possible

I don’t understand: violence

I can usually be found: at my dining room table. *aka the office/art studio

I am scared: that I won't ever be a Mom

I need: connection, creative work, music, and joy

I forget: that I am a big strong girl

I am happy: when I'm connecting with others.  and when I'm out in nature

big strong girl.

I feel like I have been talking a lot about my fears, and tactics that I use to live small. I feel like I downplay my strength sometimes. I just thought I would post to declare that while I have fears (and I speak of them often), and while I may still employ tactics that encourage living small...I am a big strong girl. And for me - being a big strong girl means acknowledging my weaknesses, feeling my emotions, asking for help when I need it, walking through it not running away from it, being proud of my accomplishments, nurturing myself when I need it, always being open to growth, and loving all parts of me.

Always...

I had a moment of clarity in the shower yesterday morning - I do some of my best thinking there. I had just finished a great meditation, which I'm sure led to the inspiration (channeling my inner Dr. Suess here). It came to me that I have always been taken taken care of. I have always been taken really good care of. Maybe it didn't come from the places that I wanted it to all of the time, but none of that matters. It just doesn't. I have been really blessed. I have always had really loving and wonderful people in my life, and I have always had a relationship with God, Source, allthatis, whatever you call it. In that moment I felt so fortunate - filled with gratitude from my head to my toes.

I wrote this in my journal yesterday - It doesn't matter who or what has taken care of me. The simple fact is, that I have always been provided for. Always been loved. Always been safe. Always been protected. There is no need to be seperate from that.

One of the things I'm working on is Embracing Abundance - wrapping my mind, heart, and soul around it. This was a moment when I could no longer deny that I am abundant and worthy. And I am no longer choosing to affirm lack in my life. I'm choosing to affirm abundance...and there's power in that.

Blowing the Lid Off the Small Box.

How does it serve me to play small? As I’ve mentioned before, I’m taking an e-course - the courageous year with Kate Swoboda. One of our recent topics begged me to answer these two questions.

one | how do I use overwhelm to play small?
two | how does playing small serve me? and am I playing small?

I will say that when I ponder both of these thoughts, my eyes fill. And along with the moist eyes comes a smile! Because if I’m having a reaction like that, then I know I’m on my way. We are talking about belief and story, and what stories each of us carry with us through life. Where did you pick them up? And what would happen if you let them go? We’re also discussing the concept of living big vs. living small, and I can honestly say that I have lived small most of my life.

Playing small sort of feels like living in a box. A small box. With just enough room to move around in, it’s not really comfy, but it’s not thaaat uncomfortable – ah but it is grasshopper! I have put myself in a safe little box; one that keeps me contained. The BIG me, the one that wants to stretch and run, and skip and soar. All of my muscles – my creative muscles, my heart, my body are all suffering from atrophy. This small box is not the place for the BIG me, the REAL me.

I can’t play big if I continue to use the word overwhelm - and I do use it on a regular basis. I’m not talking about an overly dramatic, back of the hand over the forehead, and fainting overwhelm. I’m talking about a more subtle version of the word (it’s actually a quite effective, yet subtle tool that’s used to keep the lid on the small box). It just slides easily off my tongue. I use it whenever I am taking on something that is a challenge for me. Or when I’m doing something that I “believe” I am not good at – like when I’m taking on getting organized.

Being unorganized is one of my stories. Because while it’s true that organizing does not come easy to me, it does show up in some areas of my life pretty effortlessly. For instance – my closet is organized by color, category, and from short to long. *Disclaimer - don’t get ahead of yourself and picture a beautiful closet worthy of being photographed, because that it’s not. This example debunks my story right? If I’m organized some of the time, I can’t be unorganized all of the time.

I have so many stories, and beliefs that I hold onto (I'll continue to share them here, as part of my effort to let them go). What’s the point of holding onto something so tightly if it’s not even true? Is it all in an attempt to avoid living/playing BIG? Yes, I think it is. Staying in the small box and playing small has kept me safe from harm, and in a cocoon of sorts. Stepping into my power, and owning my power is scary. What lengths will I go to keep from expanding? I’m at the point where I can no longer stay curled up, living and playing small.

Be guaranteed that I will be looking for all of my stories to show up. I will take note, and do some rewriting. The time is here. Time to shed the cocoon. Time to spread my wings. Time to blow the lid off of this little box! You have served your purpose. I say thank you for your promises of safety and bid you adieu. I will take my crumpled wings, and all of my atrophied muscles and crawl away. I will crawl until I can walk. I will walk until I can skip. I will skip until I can run. I will run until I can take flight and soar.

Is there a belief or story that you hold onto that keeps you playing small? And if so, what is it? How does playing small feel to you?

Giving Away a Spot in An Experiment in Radical Creativity!

Hi all! I am doing my second giveaway in two days! A little taste of how Oprah feels!  Kate Swoboda has graciously offered to let me give away a free spot in her Across Mediums e-course. Kate is a life skills and creativity coach, and she's sharing her passion for COURAGE with the women everywhere. This is an opportunity to create and play without ANY pressure. Come on...be courageous and enter yourself to win! It's going to be a lot of fun, and it starts next week.

from the across medium's webpage

So raise your hand if you're someone who... (This is who Kate sees signing up...and for the record - I'm raising my hand)

* hoards art supplies, telling herself that she'll use them (and then somehow that doesn't happen).
* secretly longs to quit her day job and spend long days sketching or painting or collaging at a studio desk.
* gets totally inspired when she buys the canvas at the art store, then feels paralyzed with fear or resistance when it's time to sit down.
* someone who makes the first brush or pen stroke, sighs and thinks, "That sucks," maybe gives it another few minutes and then gives up.
* would love to do something creative, but doesn't have the time or money to go to art school.
* would love to do something creative, but doesn't want to have people critique her work--why can't it just be fun?
* would love to create lots of artwork, but what would one do with it once it's finished?
* is creative on a regular basis, but has a "been there, done that" feeling about most projects and is looking for something new.
* promises herself that this time, she'll finish that sketchbook and yet...yet...yet...


This course is exactly what I need right now. I've been feeling stuck and blocked in just about every area, and Kate's perspective on having fun with it all, and letting go of the end result is the perfect prescription! I'm currently enrolled in her e-course The Courageous Year and I can speak to the incredible support and enthusiasm that she shares with me, and the other participants. Knowing this first hand, makes me feel confident saying that I'm sure this will be an incredible 14 day experience!

Kate says ~ You'll probably "mess things up," and hopefully have fun doing it!

Get a little taste of the course here:


Across Mediums: An Experiment In Radical Creativity from Kate Swoboda on Vimeo.


Kate's going to be leading the way to unleashing your creativity through writing, sketching, painting, photography, and getting your fingers into a little clay. Sounds good to me.

Sound good to you? Just leave a comment answering the following question,

"What keeps or blocks you from using your creativity?" Mine would be fear

And you could win a free spot in this great e-course!

I will also throw in another entry for anyone who tweets about this giveaway, just leave a seperate comment for each entry (if you tweet - leave your @info plz.)

You have until 9:00 p.m. PST tomorrow night (2/11/10) to enter.
Winner will be announced Friday morning.

**Please be sure to leave your email address in your comment
so that you can be contacted if you win with details about the course. Leave your email address in this oliveandhopeatgmaildotcom format or some derivative, to protect you from spam.

Good luck to you!

If you don't win and don't want to miss out on the fun... please go here to sign up.